Rather early Tuesday morning, I was on Twitter, a great time killer if one is having trouble sleeping. I happened to glance down and see Perez Hilton in my feed, asking people to stop calling the police because they had arrived. Curiosity adequately peaked, I popped onto his Twitter page and read the preceding ‘tweets’. Perez, it seemed, had copped a smack from will.i.am at the Much Music Awards in Toronto. With the police not coming quite fast enough for his liking, he took to Twitter and appealed to his followers to call them. His 1+ million followers. Yah. Because Toronto police don’t have other people in the city getting smacked. Anyway, not the point, not the point.
In the hours that followed, will.i.am set up a Twitter account to get his side of the story across, and filmed a video statement in which he claimed not to be the one who hit Perez (which later turned out to be true). Furious Tweeting from all corners of the globe ensued. Kirstie Alley could barely contain her glee, John Mayer was having a field day, Miley Cyrus was doing a lot of ‘awww’ – odd sympathy for a man who challenges her religion, second guesses her personal values and whose personally devised nickname for the sixteen year old is Slutty Cyrus.
Anyway. Miley’s sympathy aside, the tide, it seemed, was largely against the sobbing Perez.
This week, I don’t so much want to look at the much discussed issue of whether or not violence is right. I don’t want to get into the ins and outs, the wrongs and rights of what was said, who instigated it yadda yadda yadda. The fact is, Perez Hilton, the man famous for his acidic tongue and offensive Microsoft paint brush, got smacked and it was the manager of a band Perez has oft insulted, who did it.
No, moral discussion aside, I want to share with you all my utter fascination with Perez’s video statement. In it, Perez absolutely loses his shit. Like, utterly loses it. The video belongs in the Behavioural Science Unit of Quantico; it’s unbelievably narcissistic, a (failed) attempt at martyrdom. Perez, the man who is a bitch for a living, the lives, reputations, privacy and value systems of others, daily fodder for his vitriolic cash cow, is weeping, unable to understand how and why someone could hurt him. He even brings God into it. It’s that good. Below are Parts 1 and 2 for your viewing pleasure.
So, my favourite parts …
I like writing about other people’s drama – I don’t want drama in my own life.
See, I’m not so sure it works like that. I’m sure you do like writing about other people’s drama Perez, you’ve made a lot of money doing it. You’ve turned yourself into quite the little celebrity being the go-to for all things dirt related. You party with the celebs, you pose for photo shoots, you get profiled alongside them in influential publications … you create and perpetuate other people’s drama for the sake of your own notoriety and bank account. So, in short, tough luck.
will.i.am is a disgusting human being for lying.
Because, you know, Perez has never done that.
I can’t believe people are getting this upset about me not liking their music, or me saying Fergie is ugly.
The thing is, Perez, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t use your blog as a platform to advocate gay rights, to break music artists, to purport and perpetuate your own ideas – and then express disbelief when people are affected by it, if they are affected negatively. Are you telling me that you can’t believe a woman would be upset by routinely being called ugly and having her image defiled on a website that receives in excess of ten million hits a day? That’s bullshit. Because I’m sure you’d have no problem believing Mika’s gratitude for that same blog singing his praises and helping his music make it to America. You can’t pick and choose. And you can’t play dumb at someone getting their feelings hurt by your frequent and inexplicable vitriol. Unless you’re not playing dumb, you’re just genuinely unintelligent – but I get the feeling you’re a little too manipulative to be completely stupid.
Standing my ground without being violent or physical, which I would never do.
Why are you so above people Perez? Why are you so high and mighty about physical violence, when you are the worst type of bully? The failed actor and journo who took to his computer to get his own back on an industry that shunned him. The guy who is super mighty with his Microsoft paintbrush but falls to pieces when confronted for it. You may never hit someone, but you’ll draw penises on their face for ten million people per day to see, gleefully smear names and reputations – it’s like that episode in Seinfeld where Elaine says, when asked what girls do to each other, instead of giving wedgies; ‘we just tease someone till they develop an eating disorder’. What’s the lesser of two evils? Or are they exactly the same.
You’re a fag, you’re gay and stop being such a faggot.
Interesting words from an openly gay man who rallies vehemently for gay rights and believes in outing closeted homosexuals for the greater good.
I know. And God knows.
Does God know you draw penises on people’s faces? Disseminate confabulated, or exaggerated stories about the lives of people you’ve never met? Rename sixteen year old child stars ‘Slutty’? Publicly out gay people who have chosen not to out themselves, for their own reasons? Just, you know, asking.
I would have had more respect for you if you’d hit me yourself.
Seriously? So wait a minute, you’re totally against violence – it’s never the right answer etc etc etc – and yet you’d have more respect if will.i.am hit you himself? Is it because he’s famous and it’s more interesting to get smacked by a celebrity than his manager? I guess there’s more cred involved with the actual rock star.
If you are a victim of violence, speak out. Because violence is never the answer.
St Perez. Look, absolutely speak out if you are a victim of violence. But by this point in the video, Perez is speaking to casting agents and it is unbelievably difficult to take him seriously. Particularly because he’s the poster boy for emotional violence and cyber bullying. In Kirstie Alley’s words, ‘this bitch’s tongue spews violence’. She’s got a point.
Fuck you will.i.am for lying. Shame on you. God is looking down on you and shaming you. You know what I may not do something that makes everyone happy or proud, but I would never hurt someone like that.
The classic image of a sniveling bully who got schooled (I don’t know why I am feeling compelled to use all this lingo). He’d never hurt someone like that – maybe in other ways, but that’s totally different.
And Fergie … you’re fugly bitch.
Exit stage right.
So. There you have it. Nearly twelve minutes of wondrous self absorption. A tremendous case study for any budding profiler. Some people are calling it karma, others are condemning it as a needless act of violence. The thing is, I can’t sit here, high and mighty and intone sagely that violence is never the answer. I’ve slapped people who have upset me, aimed at people across the net from me on a tennis court when they’ve done the same to me (and, okay, hit them), I’ve shoved people on dance floors when they’ve gotten all up in my grill (to, in all seriousness, quote my mother). I’m not a violent person, but I am not above it when upset, angry, threatened or pissed off. Very few of us are. I’m not proud of that, but I don’t think it’s the worst thing about me. And I’m not going to lie; if I was at a party, and someone called me fugly, I’d smack them too. Or at least throw my drink in their face.
So, karma or no karma, Perez Hilton got smacked. It only took Hollywood five years.
Some people who are probably secretly high fiving will.i.am’s manager …
Rumer ‘Potato Head’ Willis
Jennifer ‘Maniston’ Aniston
Sienna ‘Sluttyienna’ Miller
Mischa ‘Mushy Farton’ Barton
Miley ‘Slutty’ Cyrus
Sarah Jessica ‘SJ Pee Pee’ Parker
Kirsten ‘KiKi Drunkst’ Dunst
Ashlee ‘Asslee’ Simpson
Jesse Metcalfe (to whom Perez has been forced to apologise, after he made light of a very similar situation Jesse was in last year – it didn’t really fit in with the whole ‘violence is never the answer‘ speech)
** Perez has since released a second, written statement. Read it here.
Image of Perez Hilton by thomasrdotog on Flickr
Image of will.i.am by paddynapper on Flickr