Bullshit … It’s Australian for The Truth

The Usual Suspects is one of my favourite movies. I especially love the line by Kevin Spacey that “the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist”. In that same vein I can honestly say that the greatest trick Fosters ever pulled was convincing the world that Australians actually drank that crap. Seriously, I have never met an Australian who drinks Fosters in its original form. I’ve never even seen it for sale in Australia. And yet through the power of some amazing marketing campaign in the 70′s courtesy of Barry McKenzie, and John Elliot in the 80′s, the world’s population, especially Americans, believe that Fosters is Australian for beer. I remember my days of working at the Black Stump Restaurant in Rockdale some 12 years ago and having American tourists request a Fosters, and then their utter confusion and subsequent argument when I tried to explain to them that no one actually stocks it. Because Australians don’t actually drink it. How is it possible that an Australian icon is founded on complete and utter bollocks?

But the constant referrals to Fosters that I am confronted with in America, whenever someone finds out that I am an Aussie, are starting to wear a little thin. I thought at least someone would have been set right about this assumption years ago and slowly word would have filtered down the ranks. And yet still to this day it appears that the entire world is under the impression that we drink it for breakfast, lunch and tea whilst we ‘throw another shrimp on the barbie. Paul Hogan has a lot to answer for. Maybe though, in the true Aussie talking bullshit way, the whole campaign was meant to be a complete piss take except that no one actually got the joke.

See, obviously the wink was in the wrong spot. It should have been at the end of the commercial after the tagline. Mind you I guess that is very Australian really – we are some of the best exponents of bullshitting. That’s just what we do. We just never expect people to take us seriously.

So then it started me thinking about all the other misconceptions I have come across since living in the United States. Obviously everyone must think that we 20 million Australians live in the same house and know each other on a first name basis. I’ve lost count of the number of conversations I’ve had that go along the lines of “Oh you’re from Australia? Do you know Jane? She’s from Australia too.” Awesome. No need to save me the time by narrowing it down by last name, city of residence, or at least a notable physical feature. My usual reply is that yes, I do know Jane, because there is law in Australia that prevents anyone having the same first name. We have 20 million people all with a different and unique given name. It’s just easier that way. And if you believe that, I have some Fosters that you may be interested in. It’s Australian for beer after all.

And so it continues. The knowledge of Australia is pretty much limited to the wildlife. Koala ‘Bears’, Kangaroos (which apparently are everywhere), and the strange delusion that seemingly every animal in Australia has the potential to kill you. Which is true. I mean really, those damn Magpies are frightening when they dive bomb you, trying desperately to peck out your brains because that’s what they eat to survive being the evil killing machines that they are. The term budgie smugglers came from actual cases of people trying to smuggle budgies in their underdaks after they were outlawed in the 60′s due to their viciousness and the increasing death toll. It’s a little known fact that budgies like cuttlefish so they can use their beaks to sharpen it to a lethal point so they can stab you in the back when next you go to clean out their cage. They are crafty buggers. And of course everyone knows about drop bears.

I guess though you can’t blame Americans for their misguided knowledge of Australia considering what appears on the menu when you walk into any Outback Steakhouse.

I’d like to know what Australian advised them that meal names like Tassie’s Buffalo Strips (chicken), Kookaburra Wings (chicken), or Alice Springs Chicken Quesadilla (um…chicken) is pretty much our staple diet. Probably the same person that decided to use a New Zealander (albeit a well known one) to advertise it. Attempting an Australian accent.

I can’t help, however, being offended when ordering a ‘Walkabout Soup of the day’? Or a ‘Joey Sirloin’? Or how about the ‘Mac-a-roo and cheese’? I can tell you one thing, there is no way I am ordering the ‘Chocolate Thunder from Down Under’ for dessert. I have a feeling I may be getting a bout of that anyway should I indulge in a ‘Victoria’s Filet’ or a ‘Queensland Salad’. Mind you it’s hilarious that Queensland is represented by the most girl’s blouse meal on the menu. Maybe someone knows what they are talking about after all. I am however confused that their steak called ‘The Melbourne’ is described as being “as big as the name implies”. Since when has Melbourne been used to describe items that are large? If I look up ‘enormous’ in the Thesaurus will I find similar words like huge, large, obese, Melbourne? As used in a sentence “damn it I have a party tonight and I’ve woken up this morning with a Melbourne pimple”. Or maybe “This Outback Steakhouse menu has a Melbourne amount of bullshit in it”.

‘Bullshit’…it’s Australian for the truth.