We thought it was over. It came and went and we forgot all about it. It moved to the other side of the world and we figured it had left for good. But now it is back with a vengeance. Swine Flu. Yes the H1N1 pandemic is back in the news.
It was one of two things that caught my attention in the news this week. That, and the anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. It proved to me a couple of points. We love a good pandemic and Germans can’t build walls. I mean come on, they brought that thing down with a sledgehammer. That’s the best that German engineering can come up with? No wonder China is emerging as a World Power. Their wall has been up since the 7th Century BC. I can tell you one thing; if I’m looking to build a fence in my backyard I’m going to ring a Chinese contractor. I’m heading straight to the Wong section of the Yellow Pages and bypassing the Richters and the Schmidts. I want to know that in 2,500 years time my great ancestors will still have privacy from the neighbours. It just makes sense.
But back to the pandemic. There are a few things that confuse me. Such as the sudden rush for vaccinations. I mean, here in America swine flu was prominent some 6 months ago. In winter. Then it moved to the Southern Hemisphere. In winter. Now as we move back into winter here in the States … guess what? It’s back. Who would have thought. So why is everyone surprised? General flu vaccinations started months ago. Why didn’t swine flu vaccinations? And so the 12 hour lines have begun to get shots – however right now it is only limited to the ‘at risk’ people. That is babies, the elderly, those with respiratory problems, heart problems, and the obese. Which some would argue covers the majority of the population in America. Being healthy and in shape seems put one in the minority these days. Reports so far have it that 22 million Americans have been infected with swine flu. And 3,900 have died. Now that may seem a lot. But compare it to the fact that an average flu season in America kills 35,000 people and you realise that swine flu still has a lot of catching up to do when your garden variety flu has that kind of record.
Plus, there is no difference at all between the symptoms of the two versions. That’s poor form – I want a worldwide pandemic to have its own symptoms. And good symptoms too. None of this cough, runny nose, chills, and fever crap. Who doesn’t get that on occasions? I want to see reports of what to look for, being more specific – like should you develop a curly tail, or you find yourself digging for truffles on a regular basis. Then I would take myself to the doctor.
Maybe if ‘seasonal’ flu had a better name it might draw more attention. Really, the common flu is a worldwide sensation. Has been for years. If we referred to it as the ‘Global Flu’ rather than the common flu it would make it to the cover of Time Magazine. No one wants to be common. That’s a sure way to disappear into obscurity. Was Michael Jackson referred to as ‘The Commoner of Pop’? No. He was the King. Basically the common flu just needs to hire a good PR firm to build a profile to give it a catchy title and some street cred.
I was actually thinking we could set off a big silver balloon, ring 911 and claim that a runaway helium balloon is flying out of control across Denver and that somehow before it left the ground I was sure I saw the Common Flu crawl inside. Of course when it lands after 2 hours of absorbing television and live news feeds, we will find out that the flu was actually never in there to begin with, it was in fact hiding in a cardboard box in the garage – but by then the publicity machine would be in full swing.
How about we write a book about the common flu? We could document its drug use back in the eighties and how it secretly used to wear a wig, and that even though the flu was killing 35,000 Americans a year, it was really more concerned with the deterioration of said wig and was secretly hoping it wouldn’t fall off while it was going about it’s business. Who knew the Common Flu was so vain?
Or maybe the Common Flu could have its own douchebag radio show on which it could interview 14 year old girls about their sexual habits or poke fun at the weight of celebrities by comparing them to Concentration Camps. Maybe not.
That’s more of a Swine Flu thing.
