Contains Nudity

I remember when I was in my teens and I snuck away to the spare TV in my parent’s house to secretly watch Two Moon Junction. It was on free to air television (in fact I’m not even sure cable had been invented at that point) and I was eagerly anticipating seeing Sherilyn Fenn in the complete nude. In those days it was still rare to see full frontal nudity in any movie so the chance to see the floral arrangement was exceptionally enticing to a teenager. And so came the moment nearing the end of the movie where she drops her dress…and would you believe a chair was in the way. Not in the way of my TV screen – I wouldn’t be so stupid, I mean a chair had been graphically computer generated on screen to cover up her garden of Eden. To say I was disappointed is an understatement. It’s like when you start watching a crappy foreign movie on SBS because it states that “this movie contains nudity” and all you see is a penis. Gutted. They should specify whether the nudity is going to be male or female for us purists. Thankfully since then times have changed and whilst you may still see some old edited movies of the 80′s shown on TV – generally we’ve become a more accepting lot and most films will be shown the way nature intended it. Complete with F-bombs, Jubblies, Wangs and Va-jayjay’s.

And then I came to America. Suddenly I find myself back in the eighties way of watching movies. Now I’m not talking about free to air television only. I have digital satellite television which I pay through the nose for on a monthly basis and STILL I am subjected to edited versions of all my beloved films and TV shows. Unless I fork out extra for Premium channels like HBO or Showtime, I am stuck watching censored shows on channels that really have no place being edited. Comedy Central for example. Have you ever tried to watch a stand-up comedian edited? It’s like listening to Eminem on the radio. Start at 5.50 in this clip and you’ll know what I mean.

At least on the radio they cut out the words so it’s a silent gap, but on TV they still revert to the good old bleep. Over a stand up comedian! It’s extremely hard to follow the joke and the laughter of the audience when you have no idea what they are laughing about because half the joke was censored. Some of the best jokes end with an f-bomb or a c-section. That’s why it’s funny.

That goes for my favourite movies too. I don’t mind if they want to cut out the word. But sometimes they remove the whole scene. Like every male on the face of the earth, I know which actress gets her blouse bunnies out in which rare movie and around about what part of the movie it occurs. Some movies are only bearable because it offers the chance to see one’s favourite actress bare the maguppies. It’s usually in their earlier work. Katie Holmes in The Gift, Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places, Sienna Miller in Alfie, Charlize Theron in Reindeer Games, Jennifer Connelly in The Hot Spot, Sandra Bullock in Fire On The Amazon. I could go on.

Sometimes it’s not even to see an actress I know. Like most males, I’m not picky about seeing nipples. I’m very accommodating. In Disturbing Behaviour one such actress whom I’ve never seen in anything else, gets the girls out and then proceeds to hit her head against a mirror. I know this. However I tuned in the other night at just the right time to watch such breast action, only to be thwarted by bra that was painted on in post! Are you kidding me? That’s the only redeeming part of that movie. You computer generate a bra over the best bit of the film and you’ve lost my business. It was the Two Moon Junction chair all over again.

However, in America censorship is not just limited to the naked bits. Words that seem fairly tame are bleeped or cut out at a ridiculous rate. There is no ‘shit’, ‘arsehole’, or even ‘nipples’. What amuses me is the bit that is censored. Apparently it’s ok to say ‘arse’ but not ‘arsehole’. Or ‘arsewipe’. But instead of bleeping the entire word they will only edit the ‘hole’ bit. Or the ‘wipe’. So it becomes arse-bleep. It’s completely nonsensical. And makes a mockery of watching my favourite films. Why would I want to watch Die Hard to see Bruce Willis say “Yippee-ki-yay, Mr Falcon”…? What does that even mean? I would rather you just silence the word out than make a pathetic attempt to cover it up. Some of it is done by the Network. Some of it is done by the Director who shoots alternatives. My favourite lines in Ghostbusters are when Dan Ackroyd comments that everything was fine until “the power grid was turned off by dickless here” and Bill Murray says “it’s true, this man has no dick.” The alternative is so lame it’s actually annoying. Wally Wick?

Another of my favourites is CasinIo. Unfortunately for that movie it drops the f-bomb 398 times. Some are silenced. Some are covered up with the words stupid sucker instead of motherf**ker. Which is easier to stomach than the often used ‘mother crusher’ or ‘melon farmer’. In ScaIrface the word ‘pussy’ is replaced with ‘pineapple’. Which I guess is vaguely a better substitution than in Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle when Neil Patrick Harris exclaims “let’s go get some ‘privates’. Even my all time favourite movie The Usual Suspects is not spared, with the line up scene dialogue changed to “Give me the keys you fairy godmother!” Because that’s what a guy hijacking a truck would say. The most confusing however is in the Big Lebowski when John Goodman’s line “this is what happens when you f*ck a stranger in the arse” is replaced with “this is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps”. Explain that one.

Which brings me to the ridiculousness of even trying to sit through Pulp Fiction.