Is it just me or are the Olympics the best waste of time you can indulge in? Now before you start hating on me, I don’t mean that the Olympics themselves are a waste of time. I simply mean that when they are on, you can easily waste so much time watching them. Even sports that you would never normally watch or even knew existed suddenly take on a viewable quality. I mean, come on, any sport called the Skeleton which involves hurtling down a luge track head first deserves to be prime time every night of the week in my book. And I don’t know about you, but frankly I am still stunned that Sweden upset Britain in the curling. Ah yes, curling. It’s like ten pin bowling on Prozac. The sport that involves sweeping … and makes every housewife feel like they too can someday be an Olympic athlete. Okay, now you can start hating.
Maybe I find the Winter Olympics so intriguing because I was not brought up any where near snow. Swimming, running, jumping were more along the lines of my childhood. My memories of snow were family trips where you may accidentally came across ‘snow’ when driving through the NSW highlands. But let’s face it, it wasn’t really snow. It was brown slush that had fallen off people’s mud guards on their way down the mountain. And yet we still tried to make snowmen out of it.
In fact the only way the Winter Olympics could possibly become more watchable is if they included some sports that I can truly relate to. How about the 50m Snow Angel where competitors have to run through the snow in jeans, a footy jersey and sneakers, falling over the line whence they complete a snow angel in the fastest time possible. Points are handed out by judges based on speed, flair and technique. For endurance sports we could have the drink and pee. I don’t think I need to paint you a picture, but I’m sure you could imagine having to ski down the slope to the half way kiosk, down a meat pie and a beer and then write your name in the snow. Additional points are handed out for style, and font. A handicap system could be put in place so the Koreans are not advantaged by having to whizz out Li Na while some poor Norwegian is trying to complete Haarvard Vad Petersson. Instead of the luge and the bobsled we could replace that with the men’s’ downhill toboggan. Remember those plastic pieces of crap with the rope ‘steering’ system. It’s one step above the men’s downhill giant inflatable tyre. Personally I think the most grueling of all winter sports would be the 1000m rope tow. It has always intrigued me how beginner slopes have a rope tow … possibly one of the most annoying, difficult and exhausting modes of transport up the hill. You’ve just put on skis for the first time, fallen 63 times down a 100m gentle slope (which then includes 63 times of having to use your arms to push yourself back up again), only to then have to grab onto a moving rope of all things and hang on for dear life while your burning arm muscles scream at you to give it a rest. Now that’s an endurance sport. Add a few annoying kids to the mix who, at the age of 4, seem to been born with skis on as they effortlessly fly past you whilst you snowplow like you life depends on it, and that is the true Olympic spirit.
Of course Australia has never been big winners at the Winter Olympics. I would have thought that we would have done a lot better at these Games however. Vancouver is having a snow drought and are having to truck it in or make it themselves. Surely that’s what our athletes are used to…crappy man made snow. Australian Olympians should be in their element. Which I think is why so many of the favorites from European countries right now are crashing out. They can’t handle the substandard snow. Imagine how many medals we would win if the Games were held at Jindabyne? Australian skiers know how to avoid rocks and ice patches. Lets get those Swedish Olympians away from their 6 feet of fresh powder and onto the hard packed ice fields of Perisher Blue. I’m sure you’ve done it too, sit back behind someone else and let them hit the ice patch and rocks first. It’s the only way. Hey it won Steven Bradbury a gold medal in 2002. Our first Gold. Semi final – three crashed out. Final – all four of his competitors crashed. It’s the Mount Blue Cow way.
So with another week to go you know where I will be. Sitting in front of the TV watching women ski and shoot. Any sport that has hot Nordic women shooting guns in skin tight ski suits has everything going for it. What’s not to love?
Who am I kidding? I’m going back to sweeping my balcony.
In preparation for the 2014 Winter Games.
Gold.
