Detox Diaries

April was an indulgent month. All the Arians demanded I celebrate their birthdays, there were two long weekends and I began some bizarre affair with the Nutella jar. And I’m not even that crazy about chocolate. I can’t quite explain it. I think it’s the ease with which it can be eaten. Now I’m thinking about Nutella.

So I decided it was time to give my body a break, to stop forcing sugar, salt, caffeine and alcohol upon it and give it time to get back to basics. My chosen weapon? Cleanse & Renew 3 Day Detox from Urban Remedy. It needs to be said, in my albeit limited experience (limited not through want of trying but through my own inability to make it through a day) detox has only reinforced my love of food and proven that, when push comes to shove, I will always choose food over a clean liver. I am well aware it would do me good for this to change and such was my intention with this latest attempt. So, 6 juices a day for 3 days*? Quite the challenge.

There were several things I enjoyed about Urban Remedy, largely that I got to ‘eat’ every two hours and drink as much herbal tea as I liked. The juices were incredibly fresh and, considering they were juices, rather filling. I was also emailed, regularly, with tips and encouragement as if Urban Remedy was reading my mind and knew when I was waning.

I exfoliated daily whilst detoxing, to help my skin flush out the toxins, and channeled my compulsive tea making ritual into herbal teas.

* I have to come clean at this point and admit that, due to a scheduling conflict that involved a trip to Melbourne, my 3-day-detox became a two-and-a-half-day detox. But the benefits were still reaped.

The Juices

Juice 1

Apple, Lemon, Cos Lettuce, Celery, Silverbeet, Parlsey and Cucumber.

Tastes like: salad

Juice 2

Pineapple, Apple, Mint.

Tastes like: a mojito

Juice 3

Orange, Acai Berry, Cucumber, Pineapple, Carrot and Broccoli

Tastes like: salad

Juice 4

Beetroot, Carrot, Apple, Lemon, Spiruline, Ginger

Tastes like: a salad sandwich with mayonnaise

Juice 5

Lemon water, Agave Nectar, Cayenne Pepper

Tastes like: Lemon water and pepper (surprisingly)

Juice 6

Coconut Milk, Raw Cashews, Cinnamon, Vanilla Bean, Water, Agave Nectar

Tastes like: a cake

Day One

9am

Am chanting ‘Cleanse and Renew’ to self as I boil the kettle (out of habit, not because I can partake in a morning cup of black tea) and crack out Juice #1. It is a liquid salad.

Brewing a lavender and chamomile herbal tea to tide me over till the next juice. Feeling virtuous.

11am

Second juice is delicious. Could drink it all day. Zesty, sweet, thoroughly enjoyable.

Made the mistake of going on Twitter just before lunch time – everyone talking about how hungry they are and what they’re eating for lunch. Sipping my lemon and ginger tea.

Thinking about Jennifer Aniston. For some reason she has become the poster girl of detox in my head and I don’t know why. Continue to remind self Jennifer’s skin, hair and pins are a result of a lot of money expertise.

1.30pm

Whilst I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel like a freshly toasted hot cross bun lathered in real butter, I am not hungry. Feeling like a freshly toasted hot cross bun lathered in real butter is simply a permanent state of being.

Third juice, however, is proving the most difficult to ingest thus far. I feel like a horse.

3.30pm

Juice tastes like a blended salad sandwich. Extraordinary. Feeling a little tired. A coffee wouldn’t go astray.

6pm

I think this juice is designed to prod the metabolism. Contains celebrity detoxers’ alleged best friend, cayenne pepper.

8pm

Dinner juice is completely delicious and pleasingly thick. Crushed cashews, cinnamon, coconut milk, I rather wish they were all this sweet.

Cheated and had some vegetable soup. Defiant body reacted typically when told it couldn’t eat. It decided it wanted to eat.

I’m absolutely going to do what the pamphlet says and get an early night. I’m tired and have no desire to do anything except sleep.

Day Two

9am

Feeling good this morning. Not hungry or tired or weak, as one suspects they should feel when not eating. I drink half my liquid salad juice and brew a lemon and ginger tea.

11am

I’ve finished up my liquid salad juice, and enjoyed my second herbal brew for the day, just in time to crack open my favourite Pineapple, Apple and Mint number. Must continue chanting, Cleanse & Renew. No side effects yet, bar a headache last night, and thankfully no break outs. Now that I’ve said that, I’ll get a spot, watch this space. In other news, am very much enjoying the email support from Urban Remedy, I feel like they’ve got my back.

1.30pm

Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Aniston. I do not want a tuna sandwich, I do not want a tuna sandwich, I do not want a tuna sandwich.

Guys, I have to confess, I really don’t like Juice #3. I know it must be so good for me – just look at what’s in it, but I am not a carrot lover. Unless said carrot is slathered in guacamole. It’s just not my kind of vegetable. I am therefore currently struggling and have decided I will compromise with self and have half the carrot-y juice and half the delicious dinner juice for my lunch.

Skin looking a little worse for wear, toxins begone.

3.30pm

Salad sandwich juice (Juice 3) makes me feel like a petulant child refusing to eat their vegetables. Let me be clear, I love vegetables. Vegetable and I are at one with each other. And I know this juice packs a mean, nutritious punch. So drink it Olivia. DRINK IT.

5pm

Mmmm cayenne pepper. I am Beyonce. Feeling a touch tired and … okay … I cheated. I ate a Cruskit. Forgive me, detox Gods, for I have sinned.

8pm

Yesssss, favourite juice ever. Like actual meal in a bottle, it makes the salad juices worthwhile.

Much more energy tonight than last night, this time last night I was on the couch under a blanket internally complaining about my headache.

* I realized, at 8pm, I skipped a juice today. Here’s a tip people, don’t detox when you’re on deadline, there is nothing else on your mind except sending your article in, including juice.

11.42pm

Buzzing with energy,

Day Three

9am

Super easy to wake up today. Practically ran to the fridge to get my breakfast salad juice.

11am

Drank my second juice with glee and had another juice to get me through the plane trip. I know when I touch down I will be at the coffee stand staring at the barista, so I must make the most of health and discipline whilst I can.

1pm

Coffee. Detox over. Sorry body, it was great whilst it lasted.

Benefits

Energy Levels; definitely the most noticeable result. By the evening of day 2, I was bouncing and Day 3 was great.

Skin; it definitely got a good crack at being detoxed. I think to truly reap skin benefits, I’d do a 5-day effort, but we all know that will require hynotised discipline.

Weight: 1kg loss, maximum, which was largely fluids, but there was definitely an overall lightness-of-being feeling that I’d imagine could be quite addictive and may spur on a 1-day detox becoming a more regular thing.

Do it Again? Absolutely.

For more information on how to customise and order your own Urban Remedy detox, head over here.