Dish It; I turn my back for five seconds …

So I am back from the abyss of New Zealand, with its expansive coast line and Lord of the Rings famed mountains, in which one can get so lost even the tentacles of pop culture trash cannot reach them. I’m not going to lie to you, after about a week I broke and checked the headlines, only to find Chris Brown had beaten Rihanna and choked her till she passed out. Jesus. And if that wasn’t enough to make trash lovers shift uncomfortably in their seats and tug at their collars (you know, it’s one thing to read about Lindsay Lohan doing cocaine, and quite another to gorge on domestic abuse … there’s sordid and then there’s sordid/sad/I shouldn’t be privy to this) Jade Goody went public with the news that her cancer is terminal, on Friday the 13^th. And so now we watch her die. Day by day, week by week, until the door is closed only in her final minutes.  

In other news, because somewhere, some paparazzi are not camped outside Jade Goody’s Essex home hoping to be the one to snap the most chilling or most grief-stricken snap of a dying woman who has openly and willingly agreed to sell her death (which I am undecided on as a concept, and may feel compelled to discuss at a later date) …

Rumours abound that Hayden Pan-can-never-remember-how-to-spell-her-name and her boyfriend-whose-name-frequently-escapes-me, broke up because of a pregnancy scare. This was alleged by a concerned friend. Thank you concerned friend. More to the point, who cares?

The Daily Mail, God bless it, has run a strange piece on the Winslet sisters – both actors, neither successful, if, of course, you equate success with money, Oscars and red-carpet sashaying – which inspires admiration and pity, simultaneously. It also features borderline mortifying photos of one Winslet sister posing on a boat with her husband in a dramatic crouch. This boat forms the floating theatre they founded.

Lance Armstrong’s bike has been found safe and sound. Yes it was stolen.

Usher’s wife had a heart attack whilst on the plastic surgeon’s table in Brazil. Unbeknownst to Usher, she booked in for liposuction. She’s fine now and has promised to tell Usher next time she sneaks out of the country for illicit cosmetic procedures. She nearly got away with it as well.

Chris Brown is being investigated for attempted murder, apparently. Due to it being her word against his with no witnesses and no evidence to support the alleged ‘I am going to kill you threat’ except Rihanna’s black and blue face, it is unlikely this investigation will proceed.

Kylie Minogue, or someone who looks like what she’d look like if fifteen years ago she’d dabbled in botox and chemical peels then been cryogenically frozen and wheeled back out earlier this year by men with gloved hands and botoxed some more, changed outfits no less than six times at the Brit Awards. Each time her face got tighter.

Feature image courtesy of Bart234465 on Flickr