Celebrity spotting. It’s almost a hobby here in Hollywood. People from all over the world come here hoping for a peek at the famous. Like spotting an elephant on an African safari, they are not content to simply see pictures of one but insist on seeing one up close in their natural habitat. Now of course, they could just go to their local zoo and see an elephant, but it’s simply not the same. The local elephant is far too D-list, a wannabe, graces the cover of every local Zoological Weekly magazine. No if you really want to get up close and personal with the true wild life, then Hollywood is the place to be.
I have to say though that it’s all pretty much a myth. You are no more likely to see a celeb whilst driving around the streets of Los Angeles than you are of hearing Britney Spears admit that her latest single is all about shagging her – ‘If You Seek Amy’? Oh come on.
And yet the constant stream of Starline Tour buses and people handing out Star Homes Maps feed on the desire of the General Public to see a true celebrity up close. And the desire comes from the need to believe that they are all just like us. Which of course they are. Everyone wants to know that no one could actually look that beautiful in real life, and yet when we confirm that they are all like us, then we of course feel the need to belittle them for having the same cellulite problems, fake tans, acne-
scarred skin … just like the rest of us. Which is just plain weird. We look for every flaw, every chink in the professionally manicured armour, hoping that we too may find the secret to their amazing looks. And yet instead of finding their secret and using that knowledge to better ourselves … we use it to cut them down. What a pack of wankers we are.
Bearing all this in mind, it always surprises me to see a celebrity going about their daily tasks. Because, funnily enough, they really do look like normal people. Who would have thought? And, to make the experience just that little bit weirder, it always happens when you least expect it. There’s a strange transition in your psyche when you live in Hollywood. For the first month you are constantly looking around, waiting for a fleeting glimpse of someone who even looks like someone famous. You know the stories that people tell “I was in a restaurant the other day and I’m sure Kevin Costner was sitting three tables over. Okay, he was looking the other way the whole time, and I never actually saw his face front on, but from a distance and without my contacts in I’m sure it was him. Or somebody that looked like him. If it wasn’t him it sure looked like him”. Sigh. Common sense just seems to go out the window. I had a call from a friend of mine the other day who was “papped” in Miami as she was standing in line for a coffee. Papped of course, meaning ‘Paparazzi-ed’. They all thought she was Katherine Heigl. Now common sense would have told them that it was Saturday and the Golden Globes were on the following night, which Katherine would have been attending … in of course 
Hollywood. And of course she also attended the People’s Choice Awards only a couple of nights earlier … in Hollywood. But, hey, why wouldn’t she jump on a five hour flight to have a coffee in Miami for the day? That seems reasonable.
The second month you are here you realise that you are most likely only going to see a celeb if you are invited to the right party or manage to get tickets to a movie premiere. I had the good fortune of attending The Spirit premiere and sat only a few rows from Sam Jackson, Eva Mendes and Scarlett Johansson. That was great … until I realised the movie sucked … and then I didn’t want to be so close to them. The polite applause at the end from a small portion of the crowd - the ‘Sheffield Shield’ clap I like to call it – was bordering on embarrassing. It’s at these events that the star spotting takes on this surreal nature, where you know you are looking at them, but you feel like they can’t see you because you still think you are watching a film. And then suddenly you realise there is no fourth wall between you and them and you spend the rest of the night trying not to make eye contact. Maybe that’s what happened at the HBO after-party of the Golden Globes when that woman walked up to Brad Pitt and called him an ‘ugly dog’. Maybe instead of beer goggles, you get TV goggles – where you are so drunk you still think you are still sitting at home watching them from behind the safety of a TV screen and can therefore scream whatever you like at them.
The next phase is the one where you stop looking, and lo and behold celebs suddenly seem to be everywhere. Like when I was leaving the local Laundromat last week and bumped into Jeff Goldblum who was going next door for sushi. He likes sushi? I LIKE SUSHI! Like OMG, we are sooooo alike. Then they start to become annoying when they interrupt your daily life. Like how was I supposed to find parking on Monday on Hollywood Boulevard so I could go and exchange an unwanted Xmas present, when half the street was blocked because Glen Close was getting her star on the Hollywood walk of fame outside the Roosevelt Hotel … which is just across the street from the Virgin Megastore which is where I was going. It’s just rude quite frankly. That’s actually when you know you’re becoming a local – when you stop taking photographs and craning your neck for a peek and start cursing their lack of thoughtfulness for planning to receive accolades on the same day that I have to return a shirt for a bigger size.
However should you come to Hollywood and not see a celebrity you can always make do with the various movie characters that hang outside Graumans Chinese Theatre. You may have noticed their photos scattered throughout the column. For those unfamiliar with this icon, Graumans Chinese Theatre is where it all began and out front it has the footprints and hand prints of stars dating back to the 40′s. It’s the must see on the Hollywood Boulevard tour. Out front, adding to the Hollywood experience, are many and varied movie characters ranging from Batman, Marilyn Monroe, The Joker, Elvis, Jack Sparrow, Shrek, Spiderman, Elmo, Big Bird etc etc. It’s when you get up close though, that you realise these people are not, as it were, sanctioned by the Theatre and are merely – by the looks of it – homeless people or desperate actors who make their living charging people for photos, whilst wearing costumes that look rather ‘home made’ at best. Remember when you were a kid and you had to go a friend’s 7th birthday dressed as your favourite superhero – and instead of hiring a good costume your Mum would say “I’m not spending money on one – look, I can make you a costume with some stuff here in the house”. And you spend the rest of day having other kids ask “what the hell are you supposed to be” and avoiding having your photo taken so no one will remember you as the poor cousin of a mutant Superman, standing there in an over sized pair of your Mum’s blue stockings, your dad’s ugly red y-fronts and a daggy t-shirt with an ‘S’ drawn on the front with a marker pen.
And yet people still feel the need to have their photo taken with these characters. Even though Elvis is standing there texting on his iPhone and Marilyn Monroe looks exactly like, well Marilyn Monroe – but sadly as she would now. And parents are more than happy to have their kids stand next to Michael Jackson even he though he looks creepier than the real thing. No seems to care.
And that’s Hollywood for you. If you can’t be the real thing, just throw something together and fake it. No one will know the difference and you too can be a celebrity. With some grey leggings and an old vacuum hose, maybe your Mum could make you look like an Elephant.
