Some of the responses I received to my last column thanked me for reminding people of their wonderful visits to Los Angeles and all of its weirdness. Other people just wondered if I made it all up and could it actually be that surreal. Perhaps this instalment will answer those questions.
When even considering a life in LA, especially if you are arriving knowing few, if any people, there is one site that will accommodate everything you could ever need to find, be it places to rent, furniture to buy, jobs, or even love. If ever you want a snapshot of the array of absurdities that awaits you in the City of Angels then simply spend a few minutes browsing Craigslist.
What will no doubt astound you is the blasé attitude with which most ads are written. Who wouldn’t pay US$30,000 a month to rent a 4 bedroom house in the Hollywood Hills? Especially as it was ’used for the filming of the reality series Sons of Hollywood, starring Randy Spelling’. Now personally I’m not sure if that is a selling point or a reason as to why it is so reasonably priced. I mean has the price been increased because it’s supposedly famous, or is it worth way more but has been reduced because it had to endure the filming of a crap TV series and therefore may be haunted by the death of many a career already? Who in their right mind would invite friends over and proudly announce ‘does this living room look familiar? It was used in the reality series Sons of Hollywood!’ Cue crickets chirping and rolling tumble weeds as your guests struggle to break the awkward silence.
Of course, for us mere mortals who can’t afford 30 grand a month, or who don’t watch reality television, or don’t have friends to impress, you could always save money by replying to the many ads seeking a flatmate to share a studio apartment for about $500 a month. Couch is usually included. Personally my entire inner being just cringes at the thought of sharing a room the size of a storage locker with a stranger. But if you have the courage of a Survivor contestant and the internal fortitude of a Fear Factor winner, and don’t understand the concept of personal space then maybe that is not a bad option. Just stay away from the ads that have the words ‘open minded’ and ‘nudist’ contained within. Just a tip. So to speak.
Then there are the ads for those who really need to save money and, maybe later, may need to save face. These are the rental postings that advertise “Free rent”. The ads where ‘liberal’ and ‘open-minded’ are words that don’t even need to be written. I would dearly love to say that I made up the following … but anyone who knows me, knows I am not that creative.
FREE RENT FOR GAY MAN.
I’m hoping to find someone to share my one bedroom condo with me in exchange for PERSONAL SERVICES AND COMPANIONSHIP.
GREAT LOCATION FOR A STUDENT.
I would love to find someone that’s 18 to 25 years old.
Photo please. Good looking, HIV and STD free.
I guess when you know what you want, and who your target audience is, then you may as well be direct with your marketing. And just secretly I bet you are all wondering how many serious inquiries he gets. You know you are.
As an out of work actor I admit that the job section has been a source of frustration and thankfully, great amusement. I considered applying for the ‘heavy metal fans required for testing of a new video game’ – but seeing as though I spent the eighties listening to the likes of Huey Lewis And The News I figured I didn’t stand a chance. Unless it is in fact Hip to be Square.
Apparently it’s hip to be a ‘single millionaire looking for a trophy wife’ – because if you are then there is a casting for a new TV show. Sadly I fall short on two of those requirements. I’ll let you choose which ones. I was however tempted by the request for ‘guys and girls who would make out with a complete stranger on National TV for $100′. And as if that doesn’t sell itself it goes on ‘have you ever considered yourself an amazing kisser and want to show America your skills? Do you want your 15mins of fame?’ Well sign me up! $100 to snog a random? How many guys and girls have SPENT that much on tequila shots on a regular Friday night to achieve the same result?
However if you really want to push the boundaries of your belief in the forwardness of the LA people, just spend a few minutes trawling through the section entitled ‘Casual Encounters’. Strangely, yet not surprisingly, no one posts their photos on such ads. I hope you thought as I did, that surely these people should be replying to the flatmate ads – not only would they get a casual encounter, but they could also get their rent for free. That’s a win/win situation in anyone’s language.
And just when I though I’d seen it all, I stumbled upon this gem – the title of the posting screaming ‘read me!’
Knock me up!
Seriously, that’s the title. As you could imagine, the posting contains such wonderfully enticing comments such as, ‘so what’s in it for you?’ Like you need to be told. However it’s amazing how demanding someone can be who is posting a request for a sperm donor for all of Los Angeles to see.
‘Please be tall (over 5’10″!!), in shape, totally healthy, and good looking. Also, so that this child looks something like me (so that everyone isn’t always asking the child what their “father” looks like), please have somewhat similar colouring to me (I have fair skin and blue eyes).’
Oh come on! You might as well say ‘must be a single millionaire who loves Heavy Metal Music!’ If only she was after an olive skinned, broke actor who loves Huey Lewis. Now that would be an audition I could ace.
you don’t really love Huey anymore now do you?