America is the home of drugs. And before you start to cringe at the ethical ramifications of such a statement, know that I am not referring to those of a recreational nature. No, I’m talking about over the counter prescription remedies for whatever ails you. Whether you need your nose to stop flowing, or your wang to start flowing, if you need to reduce swelling or increase swelling, or even if you are down and need to feel happy, or too happy and need to feel sad, there is a medication for you. There are even pills to take to enhance the effect of the pills you are already taking. And they are advertised daily on television and radio.
But here’s the thing. I’m assuming in America that it’s illegal to advertise a drug without fully explaining all the side effects. Putting them on the packet is obviously not enough of a warning. They must be verbally expressed in all their gory details. That can be the only reason that during each of these commercials I am forced to listen to all the warnings of every body part that may malfunction or fall off in a worst case scenario. Or is it a worst case scenario? At no point am I given a percentage of cases in which this may actually occur. Every warning begins only with “side effects may include”. May include? How often? In 90% of patients? In 5% of patients? I need to know exactly how likely it is for my wang to shrivel up and go from being an outey to an inney just from using a nasal spray.
For example, yesterday I heard a commercial for eye drops that induce tears should you have trouble producing some of your own. Side effects may include “a temporary burning sensation”. Well no wonder it produces tears! So does accidentally putting your finger in your eye after rubbing deep heat on a sore muscle. And you want me to put this stuff in my eyes? Why would I do that? Save your money I say and just pluck a nose hair and watch the watery eyes begin. Too easy. At least you know what you are getting into.
And then there are the warnings that really scare me. “Should you experience headaches, confusion, blurred vision, nausea or drowsiness, seek medical advice as this may be signs of a life threatening illness”. Are you kidding me? You’ve just described a Friday night at the pub.
So it got me to thinking that maybe this is not such a bad idea. Maybe we should have possible side effect warnings on everything.
On alcohol we could have – side effects may include public displays of man love, a heightened sense of attractiveness of the opposite sex, brewers droop, memory blackouts and in extreme cases, a walk of shame. Should you experience a stinging sensation in your cheeks it may be a result of your cheesy pick ups lines and you may need to consult your mates.
What about on cars? The new Porsche Boxster S. Side effects may include an increased occurrence of looking at the opposite sex with one eyebrow raised like a complete tool. Should you be over the age of 50, driving with the top down with a sweater tied around your neck may induce a feeling amongst the general public that you are an utter wanker. Do not buy the Porsche Boxster S under the assumption that it will be a suitable substitute for the inadequate length of your penis or substantially increase your chances of getting laid. If you are under the age of 25, don’t get too attached to your new car, as that internet company you created in your Mum’s basement that just earned you millions will collapse within 12 months. Side effects may include a deflated sense of self worth as you move back in with your parents and are forced to borrow their ’89 Toyota Corolla.
And it doesn’t even necessarily have to apply to material things. Just concepts. Things we deal with in everyday life. Not only should our diaries remind us of important events but also remind us of the potential ‘side effects’ of forgetting said events. No male would forget their wedding anniversary if the day before you got a message that said “side effects of forgetting to buy your wife a present tomorrow may include feelings of shame followed by the need to offer woeful excuses. Back spasms may occur from a week of sleeping on your mate’s crappy fold out couch. Should you experience arthritis like symptoms in either hand, it’s probably time to suck up your pride and apologise with an expensive gift”.
Of course the one I would like to see is putting a warning on TV shows.
Coming up tonight on ABC – Bob Saget’s new comedy Surviving Suburbia. Side effects may include nausea, thoughts of self harm, utter depression at the current state of television shows, possible violent tendencies towards your TV screen, and feelings that you have just wasted a half hour of your life. Do not watch this show should you have a history of enjoying award winning sitcoms. If you find this show entertaining or amusing please consult with your doctor immediately as you are clearly recreationally self medicated.
Which reminds me. Maybe I should have placed a warning at the beginning of this column.
“Reading this column for the purpose of entertainment is strongly discouraged. Side effects may include boredom, head shaking and occasional cringing from the use of the phrase ‘pluck a nose hair’. Should you experience an urge to laugh, it may be the result of something humorous that happened yesterday that you are only now remembering and may have nothing to do with the author whatsoever. Should you experience a burning sensation it may be due to the forks you have stuck in your eyes to rid yourself of the image of the author’s wang shriveling up and retreating inside his own person like a frightened turtle”.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Image by eagleglide on Flickr
