It’s Hollywood, Baby: The Fast Food Fairground

In these bad economic times, I guess it makes sense that the latest reports say that McDonalds have posted a 40% profit. People are looking for the most amount of food for the least amount of money. And whilst living in Australia offers up numerous fast food options, living in America is whole other ball game. Obesity in America has always been a national epidemic, and now I see why, with the constant bombardment of TV commercials and campaigns pushing the ‘cheaper option’. However, before you start thinking “great, Hillsy has decided to write a commentary piece on health and economics”, I can assure you that this is no such article. I just felt it was time to fully understand the overwhelming fast food choices that one has here in America and how amusing it can become when you are not familiar with the local culinary vernacular.

So let us begin our fast food tour of Los Angeles. Of course we can’t start without the obvious honorary mentions. McDonalds, Pizza Hut, KFC. We’ve all been there, done that, gorged ourselves stupid. In my younger days as a tennis ball boy at the Swan Indoor at the Sydney Entertainment Centre we used to work from 10 in the morning until sometimes 1am the next morning. As a fifteen year old, laziness is a common personality trait and if you’ve ever been to the Entertainment Centre you’ll know the only place within a 10m walking distance is a Mickey D’s. 6 nuggets for lunch and a 9pack for dinner was my daily ritual culminating a total of 105 nuggets for the week. Legend. Didn’t have a bowel movement though for another fortnight after. However if you believe the slogans, then “Life Tastes Better with KFC”. Hmmm, I don’t know about life, but hangovers sure as hell do.

Once you go past the big three it all starts to get a little murky in the American fast food world. There are some I know like Dominos, Burger King and Wendy’s. Well, you think you know, until you get inside and find subtle differences in a scene not unlike straight out of Pulp Fiction. I must say I have yet to attempt Burger King’s latest creation – the Angry Whopper. It features “Angry Onions, Jalapenos, Pepper Jack Cheese and an Angry Sauce”. Angry Sauce? Why not just call it the Bale Burger? You eat it and then walk around the restaurant threatening to trash their lights.

But of course being America, the home of the burger, the aforementioned outlets have some competition. First there’s Carl’s Jr, who obviously feel the need to mix burgers and Mexican food, and have created such masterpieces as the Guacamole Burger, the Chilli Cheese Burger and the Double Jalapeno Burger. Just the thought of that last one makes my sphincter pucker up like a Mick Jagger impersonator’s lips.

Jack In The Box has the strangest mascot in the world. A guy with a big white round ball as a head. And the strangest menu. Is it a burger joint? A Mexican restaurant? They do Teriyaki Bowls AND fish and chips! Have they just given up and decided that the mascot is the most important thing? Apparently Jack has now been hit by a bus in the latest ad campaign and I am invited to wish him well via the official website. Apparently “in lieu of sending flowers, order anything off the menu. Jack would want it that way”. Right. But Burger King want me to ‘have it my way’. I’m so confused.

Then we move onto In-N-Out Burger. Here is a fast food place that bills itself as the quick option. The entire menu consists of three burgers. Three. A Hamburger, a Cheeseburger and a Double Double Burger. It’s not hard. Basically you either have a hamburger, a hamburger with a slice of cheese, or a hamburger with a slice of cheese and an extra meat pattie. They make them all fresh for your enjoyment. Which is great. But it means you have to wait. And wait. Now surely if your point of difference to other fast food places is a lack of choice so that you take less time to choose and therefore get your burger quicker…then you may want to make the burger quicker. Otherwise there is no point. You may want to rename it the In-N-Wait-N-Wait-N-Wait-N-Out-Burger. Though that would be an awfully big sign. And since when has there ever been truth in advertising.

Now being that LA was once part of Mexico it stands to reason that not only is there a large mexican population, but also a large number of Mexican fast food options to cater for such population. I admit I am still a complete novice at the Mexican cuisine. There is a restaurant chain called the pink taco that I can not enter for fear of giggling incessantly like a schoolgirl and shouting “Look at me, I’m inside the Pink Taco” at the top of my voice. And I’m certainly not up to speed with my soft taco, burrito, quesadilla differences. Which means I feel little lost standing inside one of the many restaurant choices – Chipotle, Del Taco, Taco Bell or El Pollo Loco. Sorry Taco Bell, I guess I’m just not ready to think outside the bun. And Del Taco is just plain intimidating with its “Go bold or go home”. I never knew Mexican food required such bravery. Mind you if I wanted to be a compete wuss I could go to Carl’s Jr and get the Low Carb Burger….yes that’s right – it has no bun! It’s your usual hamburger ingredients without the thing that holds it all together. Isn’t that the reason you eat fast food – for the carb overload? Am I supposed to hold it by the lettuce? It’s just not right. But I guess if I’m going to be an LA local then I will just have to succumb to the Mexican mojo. I’m still struggling to get used to hearing the Taco Truck come down the road with its Mexican air horn very reminiscent of Senor Ding Dong from the Simpsons. Mr Whippy I get. You are sitting at home on a 40degree day and the sound of Greensleeves and the thought of a cool icecream is heavenly. Mr Taco is just wrong on so many levels. Not once have I been sitting at home thinking “oh I could really go a dodgy taco right from out of the back of a truck right about now”. Although many a male Hollywood actor would disagree and subsequently has fallen for that trap. If ever you want a dodgy taco it makes sense you’ll find it here in LA.

The final two that deserve a mention are the two that strike me as the being the oddest in terms of knowing what you are in for before you walk in. Weinerschnitzel. Come on take a shot at the title. Of course, it’s a hot dog place. Their catch phrase is “home of the world’s most wanted weiner”. That’s a big call. Even in a completely non sexual sense. The other is Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits. That’s their selling point? That they sell chicken and scone-like bread roll things? That’s a marketing department just giving up.

And then an interesting thing happened this week. A thing that defied logic and forethought. In an effort to bring in a whole new clientele and tackle the fast food joints and their 99c burgers, Dennys decided to give away a free grand slam breakfast to everyone between 6am and 2pm last Tuesday. And they certainly didn’t try to be secretive about it – they advertised during the Superbowl. You can imagine the scenes. A city which has more homeless people than I’ve had McNuggets and they advertise a free meal? So very, very brave. The few Dennys that I drove past during the day looked like they certainly had their hands full. They even had security at the door. At least for one day the homeless were being arrested outside a classier restaurant than McDonalds.

And so there we have it. If you ever come to LA and feel a little peckish, I hope I’ve made your drive thru options a little clearer. It all depends what you are after as there is something for every taste. Whether you want to have some Angry sauce, low carbs, or chicken and biscuits you will be well taken care of. However you could always get creative, and combine the weiner, the taco and the In-N-Out. Just a thought. And in true fast food form, I feel my column has lived up to their ideals – lots of hype, very economical, but when you really analyse it, it severly lacks substance and quality.