It’s Hollywood, Baby

In his first column for us, actor Brad Hills takes us on a tour of Hollywoodland, in all its wonderful weirdness.

When you think of Los Angeles you immediately think of film and television. A cliché I know, but in no other city can you check into a hotel that has a plaque on each lift to commemorate the movie in which that particular lift appeared. It’s also the city that never works. It has to be true – there is no other explanation for why there are so many cars on the road at all hours of the day. No other reason that Urth Cafe (pictured below right) on Melrose can possibly be full to capacity at 1am on a school night. It gets you questioning…just what the bloody hell does everyone do here?

And then I see that apparently California is in enormous debt and will run of money in 2 months. Seriously. How does a state run out of money? (Actually, ask Morris Iemma.) Now, I’m no genius…but maybe it’s because no one is at work. Watching Governor Schwarzenegger (sorry that still makes me giggle) meet with President Elect Obama to ask for a cash injection just seems wrong. Since when did Conan the Barbarian ever ask Superman for help?

And then there’s the reason so many Aussies make the great pilgrimage. Hollywood. The beauty of Hollywood is that it is so in your face and full of contrasts – one minute you are driving along Mulholland Drive, swerving to miss random deer, random potholes and random paparazzi parked on the side of the road waiting for a celeb to follow – the next you are sitting in El Pollo Loco on Sunset Blvd eating a chicken enchilada whilst a homeless guy wanders around eating left over food off the deserted tables and screaming at you for some spare change because he’s “on a buzz, man!”. You gotta love it.

To live in this town you need to expect the unexpected. The stories of actors living in their car one month and in their own mansion the next are all around…but then so too are stories of the reverse. But no one talks about that because this is Hollywood baby! It’s all part of the game of chasing the American dream – to get it all you have to risk it all.

The potholes on Mulholland are rather symbolic of Hollywood – you can be up there amongst the rich and famous, but just one pothole can ruin everything. Staring at the Hollywood sign from one of lookouts along this famous stretch of road is also ironic. Before you stands one of the most iconic symbols of all, a glimpse of infamy – and it’s barely visible through the haze of shady deals and bad career choices. Funnily enough though, you just can’t help but smile and dream.

And this is why living in Hollywood is so great. It’s the excess at both ends of the spectrum. If you’re going to succeed, you do it on the grandest of scales, throwing Halloween parties with a budget bigger than most Australian films (and probably with a bigger attendance) in the middle of a worldwide economic crisis. If you’re going to fail and fall from grace, it will be the most spectacular of failures ever. Yeah I’m looking at you Britney and the rest of the Spears family (is it just me or shouldn’t a MILF be over the age of 20?).

Never a better example of the spectrum is found, than on Wilshire Blvd. There they have the Grove, a Disneyland-esque shopping complex with a tram that will take you on a journey of shopping excess – from Abercrombie and Fitch, with it’s topless male models to greet you at the door. Now why can’t they have that at The Victoria’s Secret Store? Equal rights, that’s all I’m asking – to Apple Mac. From Banana Republic to Barnes and Noble. This is a place where snowflakes will fall from the sky nightly between 7pm and 8pm while you watch the Top Hat Dancers perform.

But then, just a block away from this retail fantasy world is the 99c store, which for the less fortunate is just as much like Disneyland. A place where, for just 99c,  you can buy anything from soccer shin guards to nunchuck covers, to bottles of 2006 Cartwheel Riesling (and before you turn your nose up it says it’s from “South Eastern Australia”…and yes I bought a few…I fear I have said too much).

So please, one day whilst you are eating your chicken enchilada in El Pollo Loco on Sunset Blvd, just ignore me when I scream at you and ask for some change. By then I’ll just be considered another local who didn’t see the pothole. Hooray for Hollywood!