So it has come to that time of year again here in Los Angeles. The time of year that the locals call ‘May Gray’ and ‘June Gloom’. A time when day after day, one awakes to the morning’s overcast conditions and unseasonably ‘cool’ temperatures. You wouldn’t think that in only a couple of months we will no doubt be experiencing ridiculously hot days. I thought, being Spring, that it was a time of year when the temperature would be on the increase. But no. At this time of year, every year, the ever present off-shore cloud systems decide to drift over land creating a persistent cloud cover. Come on people, this is supposed to be Southern California! If I wanted cloudy, crappy, gloomy weather I would have stayed in New Zealand. And it’s amazing how a bit of cloud and lower temperatures can affect the psyche of the general population. June Gloom is apparently to blame for bringing on symptoms consistent with ‘seasonal affective disorder’. I’ve lived through an Auckland winter. Now that was depressing. And I’m sure there are even worse places to be for constant rainy days. Californians really need to harden up. So what if it’s cloudy and the temperature has dropped to an ‘unbearable’ 70 degrees (about 21 degrees Celsius for you Australasians….yeah you heard me, 21 degrees!) That’s what is considered gloomy?
Obviously most Californians have never experienced trying to walk down Cuba Street in Wellington for a morning coffee when it’s blowing a gale, with trash cans rolling down the street like tumbleweeds in the Wild West, icy rain stinging your face and your man-nipples sticking out a la a Madonna music video circa 1990. Or obviously they’ve never boarded a Sydney suburban train on a rainy winter’s day for the hour long journey to the city, where standing room only cleverly condenses the inside atmosphere into a pungent mixture of sweat, moldy umbrellas and, even though you are sure there are no animals in the near vicinity, something that still seems to smell like a wet dog that has soiled itself.
What a terrible state of affairs it is that here in Southern California we must be subjected to a month of only afternoon sun, where the average daily temperature no longer allows for the wearing of Gosford skirts, but the more conservative mid thigh variety. When sun tanning is no longer possible, well in the mornings anyway, and yet one must still maintain that golden look. When plunging fake cleavage and over-tanned legs are replaced with…um…plunging fake cleavage and over-spray-tanned legs. The horror. The horror. Are you people kidding? Cold snap? I’m guessing the last time the majority of you saw frost was in 1977 when he interviewed Nixon. The overwhelming amount of complaints about the ‘cold snap’ are matched only by the amount of people claiming a sudden onset of seasonal affective disorder in order to claim a medical marijuana card.
Ah yes. Medical marijuana. The natural cure of June Gloom. If you can exhibit any symptoms of some form of disorder that a doctor may consider could be improved by the occasional sparking of some giggle weed, then you too could find yourself in possession of Wonka’s Golden Ticket. The medical marijuana card. That hallowed piece of laminated card which states, that for medical reasons … and medical reasons only … you are legally allowed to enter the realms of the ‘clinic’ for ‘treatment’ with 420. For those not in the know, 420 is code for pot, and refers to a widely held belief that in the 1970′s a group of students in San Rafael who called themselves The Waldos, used to meet at 4:20 every day to communally smoke. And since then April 20th (4/20 in US terms) has become the yearly day to celebrate weed and lobby government to legalise it.
Out of sheer curiosity I did some research online to find what sort of ailments could qualify you as a legal cannabis patient and found the Hemp and Cannabis Foundation, God bless them, who state that “Under state law in Oregon, Washington, Colorado, California, Nevada, Montana, Michigan and Hawaii, the following conditions qualify for medical marijuana permits: Chronic Severe Pain, Chronic Muscle Spasms, Multiple Sclerosis, Glaucoma, AIDS/HIV, Cancer, GERD, IBS, Asthma, Arthritis, Cachexia, Hepatitis C, Crohn’s Disease, Chronic Nausea, Seizure Disorders, Parkinson’s Disease and many others”. Some of those I get. Some I don’t. Why wouldn’t smoking something help with Asthma? I’m wondering if “…and many others” would cover me if I just walked in and said “I lived in NZ for the last 6 years and had to endure multiple Bledisloe Cup losses and a League World Cup loss and, of course, because of this, annoying New Zealanders.” Surely that would qualify me for medication.
Of course it may actually explain where some of those great movie ideas come from. Only Pink Panther 2 could be thought to be a novel and humorous idea after a few puff the magic dragons. Or that putting Lorenzo Lamas and 80′s singer Debbie “Deborah” Gibson together in a movie about a giant shark and octopus could be a winning formula. Of course it’s yet to be released so I may be forced to eat my words. Or the Golden Gate Bridge. Or a plane flying at 30,000 feet.
Gold. That has 420 influence written all over it. Maybe after watching it you too will qualify for a Golden Ticket.
And so spare a thought for me suffering here in Los Angeles, sitting in my shorts and t-shirt, somehow coping with the sun only peeking out every afternoon finally raising the temperature from a chilly 70 degrees, enduring my first June Gloom.
Oh the humanity.
I love your blog! Thank for this.