Onwards & Upwards; Upholding the Male Code

I don’t like Tiger Woods anymore. I’m just putting it out there. But not for the reasons you may think. People make mistakes and I’m all for forgiving transgressions. But there are certain unwritten laws of being male that I just can’t help feel disappointed about when they are broken.

For starters I always feel slightly aggrieved when I see rich guys, be they sports stars or celebrities or whatever, dating supermodels. It makes me feel like supermodels are out of my league, which they are, unless I was famous and had lots of money, but that’s not the point. I don’t need to be reminded of that by having to see photos of these guys swanning around and parading their unattainable hot women in front of me. But I can cope with it. What I do find utterly offensive however, is then for one to go and slap all males in the face by cheating on said supermodel wife. It’s just a pure affront to all things male. I won’t have it. If you are going to cheat on your wife surely it has to be with someone more attractive. You can’t go backwards. It’s unconstitutional. It’s Un-American. Therefore it goes without saying that if you are married to a supermodel, then cheating is purely out of the question for you. Surely you know that going in. No male walks into his garage in the morning and says to himself “hmmm, what should I drive today? The Ferrari or the Toyota? Bugger it, I haven’t gotten into the Corolla for a while. Let’s give that a whirl around the block a few times”. Tiger Woods, have a good hard look at yourself. Poor choice. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to cast a disapproving eye over his mistress of choice. Corollas have better fuel mileage than Ferraris. You can fit more grocery bags in. It has its purpose. And for some, it’s a perfect fit. But it’s just wrong for someone who has one to then go drive a Toyota – it taunts the rest of us who long for a Ferrari.

Sadly, throughout the years though, it has been a common trait. A very sad and woeful line of males have crossed that line. Males that should be forced to hand their testicles in at the door, for they are clearly using them for evil. Take Hugh Grant. I think we all remember his antics with Devine Brown. He was noticed in the car receiving a $60 tongue lashing, to put it mildly, because he couldn’t afford to go back to her motel room. The cop only noticed because Grant kept pushing on the brake pedal flashing the rear lights. So to speak. Jay Leno put it best when he interviewed Mr Grant not long after and his opening question was “What were you thinking?” You are rich and famous and you are with one of the hottest women in the world. What part of that sentence makes one feel that something is still missing, that one still requires a knob polishing from a Street Walker on Sunset Boulevard? I’ve driven along Sunset Boulevard. Many, many times. I’m a single man with single man urges and yet I STILL have never had the temptation to stop and proposition one of the fine (and by fine I mean disgusting) Hollywood working women. And to prove my point that going backwards is considered by males as a complete disgrace – has anyone ever mentioned the fact that he was drunk at the time? Driving drunk. No. No one gave a crap that he could have killed innocent people by recklessly driving home intoxicated. We were more outraged that he dropped his standards of who to have sexual relations with. Though if you question Bill Clinton, then what Mr Grant did was not sexual relations. Mind you at least Bill improved his standards. Barely, but it was still one rung up on the ladder. I guess though when you are three rungs off the bottom and can touch the ground then it would be pretty difficult to go down. So to speak. Sorry Hillary.

Mind you it worked out well for Ms Brown. She collected a reported $1.6m from publicity and now lives in a big house in Beverly Hills. There’s a lesson for all the girls out there. If you build it, he will come. So to speak.

So for you celebrities, actors, sportsmen etc, who have managed to attain every young boy’s wet dream of marrying a supermodel, it is your responsibility to uphold the man code. No one else will do it for you. Only make forward progress. Onwards and upwards. Baby steps if needed. But never look back.

And if you must stray, hope that you don’t play a sport that gives your spouse instant weapons.

And for God’s sake, keep your foot off the brake.