Playing Catch Ups

Dearest Dishers

Firstly, thank you so much for your patience during the recent drought of Dish Its, brought on a brush with the winter flu (not swine, rather boringly) and a flurry of occurrences that stood in the way of my usual superficial deliberations.

Satisfyingly, the world of botox, extra marital affairs, eating disorders and airbrushing has continued to turn at the comforting pace of a merry-go-round without an off switch, and I have simply hopped back on to find Victoria Beckham looking a healthy 15kg, Kerry Katona has become the Kate Moss of 2009 with a News of the World video of her snorting cocaine and Ricky Martin has revealed his twins (and his own impressive physique) on Twitter.

I feel, given Dish It’s painful two week absence, it’s fitting to do a round up of what’s going down on the walk of fame – considering no one wants to do anything overly dramatic (which, by today’s standards, has to be fairly dramatic) and everyone seems okay to crack on with the usual menu of public psychotic breaks, under-aged naked photos, and unusual parenting decisions, then a summation of the status quo is in order.

So in the world of suspicious substances, the stalwarts continue to perform. Kate Moss may or may not have passed Lily Allen a joint, on board a yacht as they were recently. Kerry Katona snorted something through a rolled up note in a video the forensics team at News of the World have confirmed was shot in her house. She has since fled to Tenerife with her estranged/not estranged/estranged/not estranged husband, Mark Croft, to escape the publicity. It hasn’t quite worked. She was photographed melting down curbside, a la Britney Spears. So that’s two been there done that moments Katona’s created in two days. Letting the team down. The key word is fresh Kerry. In other substance related news, Amy Winehouse has been snapped with what could be white powder in her nostrils. I’m not sure. What do you guys think?

In baby news, Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant. I know. I had a moment of ‘but she’s sixteen’ … turns out she’s thirty aka the eldest K. Several Ks follow her, the youngest being thirteen (who, I cannot lie, I thought was the pregnant one). Does it boggle anyone else’s mind that Kris Jenner nee Kardashian nee Houghton persevered with giving five daughters names beginning with K? Just like her name? Furthermore, she didn’t even try with two of them – ignoring the plethora of K names, she gave them C names (Chloe and Courtney) and spelt them with a K. Why bother?

Other sprog on the way comes from Johnny Knoxville (comforting, the world doesn’t have enough Johnny Knoxvilles) Colin Farrell, Jude Law (who will never be presumptuous about the transient nature of flings again) and Celine Dion (whose husband may or may not have magic sperm).

Spencer Pratt has revealed once more he doesn’t quite understrand that money doesn’t equal talent or style or smarts. It doesn’t even come from any of those things and it certainly doesn’t necessarily breed them. In a joint interview with Playboy that he and his cerebrally rich wife gave, he said to her; “I bet you made more than Lady GaGa this year even though she has a number one record. ‘Oh, Heidi Montag has no talent!’-my fucking ass! If you have no talent, then I don’t know what talent is. You must be the most talented untalented person on earth.”

Brad Pitt apparently offered Tarantino hash, Mischa Barton is flying the (tired) starlet-come-undone flag with the requisite ‘concerned friends’ giving quotes as to her hard partying ways (again, Mischa, the key word is fresh), Michael Jackson’s doctor is to be charged with manslaughter and Keira Knightly has had her breasts enlarged, via photo-shop, for her latest Chanel campaign.

Finally, to wrap it all up and give ourselves the boost we all need to make it through the week, the Russian mafia is apparently attempting to kidnap Katie Price.

I’m out.

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The video doing the rounds right now … it’s sort of uncomfortable. Anyone else get the feeling Dave didn’t want the segment to go ahead?