On the global scale of natural disasters and terrifying events, last weekend’s earthquake in Los Angeles was really nothing to write home about. It registered 4.7 on the Richter Scale and yesterday LA was “shaken” by an aftershock of 4.1. By the way the media has gone into hysterics over these recent events, I’m ashamed to say that I felt neither of them. Personally I’m sure if someone pulled my finger right now I could create something that would register at least a solid 5.2. However, a lot of people were only too happy to be interviewed about what they felt and how they feared it would be ‘the big one’. ‘Shaking’ and a ‘slight tremor’ seemed to be the most used phrase. One young teen described it as a jerk that lasted 15-20 seconds. But then lets face, when you are a 16 year old boy, most jerks only last 15-20 seconds. Quite frankly the whole way the media is reporting it is a bit of jerk, and not only that, it has lasted about 5 times longer than the earthquake itself.
The media went of course into damage reporting. Scouring the city looking for evidence that we had just experienced a life threatening natural disaster. Reporters were stationed outside the one shop that had its street windows shatter. Shop owners were asked where they would have been standing at the time had this occurence happened during business hours. Hypothetical stories of near death experiences were relayed over and over again. Vision was shown inside a residence where the plasma tv fell off the wall and smashed on the lounge room floor. Disturbing stuff. Now I don’t wish to be glib, I’m sure should a child or even and adult had been under that when it fell, it could have resulted in a very serious injury. However, considering the entire Los Angeles Metropolitan area has a population of about 13 million people and only ONE plasma fell off the wall, maybe we should be spending less time blaming the earthquake and more time showing the guy how to properly wall-mount a plasma tv.
Then of course we are subjected to specialists in the field of seismology. Who seemingly are the only people not at all phased by the entire event. One woman stated that, in fact, things have been pretty quiet over the last few years and this is merely a return to the normal seismic activity that California is renowned for. The media however is intent on searching for the one scientist who is willing to catagorically state that this is the beginning of the end of civilisation as we know it. If the media really wanted to unnecessarily scare the public they only need to interview some of the random people I see standing on the side of the road holding signs that the end of the world is nigh. Over and over agin the question is asked “so when are we due for the big one?” Of course no one in their right mind can specifically predict the next occurence of a major earthquake. And so we are left with carefully edited pieces where the one scientist at the top of his field is willing to predict that, “well it’s safe to say that it won’t happen next week.” Well thank god for that. Next week is so not good for me. I have a few openings in June but it’s booking up pretty quickly so any earthquake is going to have to give me plenty of advance notice to fit into my busy schedule. But I can sigh with relief at not being rudely interrupted by Mother Nature next week.
Finally we are given an in-depth analysis of the city’s seismic warning system and how we should all be prepared. Los Angeles has “Quakeguard”, a system that senses the initial P-waves of an earthquake and sends out a warning on an impending disaster. In this case it calculated that there was no significant threat and chose not to activate the automated response safety mechanisms. In other words it has determined that it’s going to be a soft effort, so should your plasma screen fall off your wall, then yes the tremor may be the final straw but technically it is due to poor workmanship. According to the Uniform California Earthquake Rupture Forecast there is a 99 percent chance of California experiencing a quake of magnitude 6.7 or larger within the next 30 years. So I guess I should just live under my table in constant readiness. But never fear, warning systems will give me 20seconds notice. Just enough time for me to crap my pants and ponder what exactly have I done with my life. And rue the fact I went the cheap option for the installation of my plasma.
So now the only thing left to do is fugure out who’s at fault? Or more precisely which fault is at fault. One look at the underground fault line system of LA is enough to pack up and move to Mexico. Wait I can’t do that – the media has scared me too much about swine flu. Is there anywhere safe right now? Checking the travel advisory I can see there is a denge fever warning current for Australia, Pacific, Asia and the South America. It’s almost Hurricane season in the Carribean. A look through the list of African countries which I am advised not to travel to pretty much includes every country that ends in ‘A’. So … how’s the Middle East looking? Maybe I’ll just wait under the table.
Oh wait I think I feel a tremor right now.
Quick, pull my finger.
You think everything sounds like existentialism.