As this illustrious year of 2009 is now well underway, we might take the time to reflect upon the enlightened and privileged culture in which we live. Young people of Australia are generally well-educated, culturally switched-on and overall open-minded. We’ll accept those of all races, religions and creeds-except when it comes to local geography. Our boundless plains are indeed shared, but they are divided up into a curious trendiness matrix, with each area ranked by its proximity to the inner city. One only need look at über-cool publications like Melbourne’s ThreeThousand and Sydney’s TwoThousand to be reminded not only that spacebar usage is out of vogue, but that events and people become inherently less worthy as postcodes rise.
Thus, the choice for many identity-seeking school and university leavers has for years seemed pretty clear-cut: accept high rents and move to a trendy inner-city suburb or find a more affordable place further out or even (gasp) staying at home. However, in this era of much-hyped financial downturn, many young people are seeking the best of both worlds. Here’s a list of some tried-and-true strategies for those wishing to stay hip without pulling up sticks from the sticks.
DO COMPLAIN INCESSANTLY
Whether you love in a less-than-cool neighbourhood by necessity or choice, it is important that you appear to hate it. Make sure that you convey this opinion with the subtlety and élan becoming of a sophisticated young urbanite stranded in a cultural wasteland. A simple mumbled “I fucking hate this place” will usually suffice, and is equally appropriate whether you’re on a trip to the local shops or visiting your Nan for tea.
DON’T SOCIALISE NEAR HOME
This one’s a no-brainer. Barring perhaps a few rounds of trivia at the local RSL (attended ironically of course), your immediate vicinity will be unsuitable for any form of social interaction. Going to the local movies is definitely out (what are you, a high-school student?), as is throwing or attending a house party, at least unless five hours of other wannabe suburban hipsters mumbling complaints is your idea of scintillating conversation. No, even if your social group still lives within a 5km radius, it is best that you don’t acknowledge your shared plight and endeavour to only meet up in the city. Getting there, of course, must be done in the right way.
DON’T DRIVE
Not only is environmentalism like, so in right now, but driving around in Dad’s hand-me-down Volvo is a sure-fire way of highlighting your hideously bourgeois upbringing. Exceptions may be made for gigging musicians, but then again, why does your band have a drummer if he doesn’t own a panel van?
DO CATCH PUBLIC TRANSPORT
Even if your local connections are somewhat lacking (I’m looking at you northwest Sydney), public transport is a must, allowing you to enjoy a night out without worrying about pesky DUI laws or peskier designated drivers. Furthermore, nothing is classier than smuggling a few mixed drinks past the bus driver for clandestine back-seat consumption. For extra style points, break out and imbibe the remainder of your bottle in full view of the driver as you make your exit; sticking it to the man in such a whimsical fashion will cement your image as both a stylish rebel and an agent for social change. Don’t worry that you’ll probably get the same driver on the Nightride back home, as if you’re not too drunk to remember your earlier shenanigans, you’ll be too busy dodging fists and vomit to care.
DO LOOK IMPOVERISHED
Getting tarted and/or smarted up for a night out is an all-too-common mistake-nothing screams suburbia more than arriving in the city in the same clothes you wore for your office’s smart-casual Friday. Careful observation will reveal that a much hipper look can be achieved by dressing down for the occasion. But before you go running to your nearest Vinnie’s, bear in mind this equation: the trendiness of an item of apparel is determined by the disparity between its price-tag and its appearance. Thus, a faded T-shirt or ripped pair of jeans is perfectly acceptable if bought new from a designer boutique, but not from the Salvos. Alternatively, a swish-looking tie or vest is only worthwhile if picked up for a few dollars from a second-hand shop. Pair any purchase with an emaciated figure and meticulously unkempt hairstyle and you’re good to go.
DON’T BE IMPOVERISHED
The cheaper rents available in the suburbs should bestow upon you at least one natural advantage in your quest for hipsterdom: a decent disposable income. While you should aim to avoid overt displays of wealth, it is surprisingly easy to convert economic capital into cultural capital. While some obvious purchases will be a good start (tickets to at least one overpriced summer music festival, pretty much anything made by Apple), up the stakes even further. Luckily, in these postmodern times, almost anything not entirely mainstream can be considered cool if you put enough passion and money into it; a collection of rockabilly vinyl is as good an investment as cultivating a “cheeky” cocaine habit.
DO EMBELLISH YOUR BACKSTORY
Soon enough you will find yourself mixing with the exclusive breed known as city people. While many members of this trendy tribe may have themselves grown up in less-fashionable suburbs, you can assume that they have long since expunged any memory of the dark days before they lived in walking distance of a weekly foreign film festival, three urban art galleries and a decent chai latte.
So when facing the question of your own residential situation, treat it not as a test but an opportunity. Be aware that jokes about needing your passport get back home are inevitable. Just bide your time and counter with a harrowing anecdote detailing your struggle against adversity to become the refined and culturally savvy individual you are today. It takes surprisingly little imagination to refashion Baulkham Hills as a Compton-style gangland or Dural as a hard-working farming suburb (interstate readers feel free to substitute appropriate suburbs and pretend I’m wittier and more knowledgeable than I am). Fear not if your only exposure to these kinds of lifestyles is through Boyz n the Hood or McLeod’s Daughters; it will give you a common reference point with your audience.
DO EXCUSE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE
If you’re not quite so bold, you might opt to make excuses for your current status as a suburban tragic. Avoid mundane explanations such as “I like living close to work”; unless you work in media or the arts, you should consider your job a vulgar necessity not suitable for polite discussion.
Instead, claim that you’re saving up to go backpacking overseas. Remember that even an imaginary travel destination needs a suitably trendy destination; while South America and South-East Asia were once all the rage, for now it seems Eastern Europe is the place to go. After all, there’s no point going halfway across the world to find yourself if you can’t come back and discuss it with others who have done exactly the same.
If all else fails, “I’m actually looking for a place closer to the city at the moment” always works a treat. Not only will you be applauded for seeking to improve your social standing, the stage of “looking” can drag on indefinitely, regardless of any intent to actually move on your part. What’s more, on the off-chance that you eventually succumb to the city’s siren song, you will be covered retrospectively. If you do end up making the move, be sure to airmail me a postcard. It will brighten up my day in this cultural wasteland; I fucking hate this place.
Image of the Sydney skyline by Vermin Inc on Flickr
Image of Melbourne suburbia with the Melbourne skyline by Mugley on Flickr
