Tell Me You Love Me

Last weekend was Superbowl weekend. The weekend where men forget they have partners and camp themselves in front of the television with beer and nachos and go to their happy place. This weekend is where neglected women all across America call in that blank check and demand some attention in return for ‘letting’ their man have some sport’s time. Yes my friends, it’s Valentine’s Day again. Coincidence that one occurs right after the other? I think not.

I’ve always thought V-Day occurred at a rather strange time of year. I mean really, the year is only 6 weeks old. And we all know that the start of any year is usually a time of change, of fulfilling resolutions and general upheaval. People quit jobs, move houses…and well…end relationships. I have seen more relationships end this year than ever before. Maybe V-Day is actually to blame. Maybe the threat of having to go through another tacky love fest with someone you aren’t really into is too much.

I’m going to put it out there. Frankly, I hate Valentine’s Day. Despise it. It’s really, in my mind, a day when card manufacturers, florists, restaurants, balloon makers, and plush animal manufacturers all come together to take advantage of the fact that all the unromantic and usually insensitive husbands and boyfriends need to be reminded at least one day a year that they should act like they are indeed happy to be in a relationship. See, I am not one of those guys. I like to consider myself a fairly romantic individual. And to me, whenever you hear someone describe a romantic event that happened to them, it usually involves the phrase “it was such a lovely surprise”. Here is where V-Day irks me. There is no romance, only expectation. There is nothing but build up. It’s an exchange of gifts. Romance is not about exchanging gifts. It’s about doing something for your significant other with no requirement of receiving anything in return and doing it for no other reason than the fact that you love them. I for one, think being told what day I have to be romantic on, is the most unromantic thing I can think of. Of course in the past, when I have put this idea forward to whomever I am involved with at the time, I am lumped in every other male who uses that as an excuse to not buy anything. But really, think about it…what would you prefer? To come home on Valentine’s Day to find a dozen roses that your partner paid through the absolute nose for? Roses? How cliched. I think some of you would be disappointed at the lack of imagination. However if you came home to dozen roses on any other day of the year, given to you simply because you exist then I think you would be surprised, happy and in love. Now don’t get me wrong…I know what you are thinking. It’s all good in theory but what man actually does that? Well you’re right. Most don’t. And that’s just plain sad. And you all know deep down that you will be comparing what your man got you to what your best friend’s boyfriend got her. What’s ironic to me is that it takes far less effort to be romantic on any other day of the year, than the one actual day that we are lead to believe is the THE day to declare your love.

I see, however, that a primary school in England has banned Valentine’s Day cards from school this year. Their theory is that kids under the age of 11 are likely to become confused by the word ‘love’ and aren’t mature enough to understand what a relationship means. I have a huge problem with this. The main one being that they have clearly made a very bad assumption. The assumption being that later in life, males actually ever become mature enough to understand what a relationship means. In my mind we may as well confuse the hell of kids now and prepare them for what lays ahead. Personally I feel I knew more about girls at age 10 than I do now. They were a lot easier to understand. If they punched you it meant they liked you. Why can’t we go back to those days? The feeling is also that cards promote competition, i.e. if one child gets a card and another doesn’t then that child will feel bad. Um, yeah? So what? Welcome to the real world kids! Deal with it. Suck it up and walk it off. As a single man right now, I am constantly reminded every day that this weekend is a celebration of all things relationship-like. I am bombarded with billboards of couples lovingly looking into each other’s eyes, television commercials of diamond rings, and letterbox fliers suggesting what to buy my loved one. Awesome. Every day I can’t wait to see what else I’m missing out on. Even Facebook this week is slapping me across the face with the “change your profile pic to one of you and your loved one and type below how long you’ve been together”. Sod right off.

I also read a report this week that having lots of sexual partners is good for sperm. Apparently sperm swim a bit faster if they feel they are competing with another man’s swimmers. Shagging the same person over and over again makes your boys a little lazy for they know they are just competing against themselves. They slow down. Take their time. Swim in pairs and chat along the way. Stop for a Starbucks. Now of course this experiment was only done on mice and it begs the question of who exactly would want to spend their day studying the swimming speed of mice sperm and at the end of the day just who the hell cares. However, it does show that Tiger Woods is ahead of his time. The man simply likes to keep his goods in tip top condition.

So this year I am being the Scrooge of Valentine’s Day. I’m sticking up for all the single people out there who are sick to death this week of being reminded how much more satisfying life is when you are in a relationship. This year I am channelling my inner Robbie Hart and ringing every radio station that are playing love song dedications and requesting a few songs that tell it like it is.