I started acting in plays when I was really young, which ruined any chance I had of acting like a real person. A director would look me in the face and say, “In this scene you feel terrible. Act like how you would be if you felt terrible.” And I thought, “I don’t know, I’m five and I’m going to acting school. So far it’s all been terrible.”
Still, I wanted to do a good job, so every time I felt tears coming on I ran to the mirror to memorize my expressions. Remember this! This is important for your career! Remember how your face looks when you are in this much pain! This habit caused me to start picking fights with my family while we were already in the bathroom so I could capture the freshest responses.
“Who squeezed all the toothpaste like this?”
or
“Who let the dog eat all the toothpaste?”
or
“Whose dog is this?”
It ruined me, I was getting second-hand information. I wasn’t watching an authentic reaction, I was watching myself watch myself have an authentic reaction. It was like looking into a mirror that faces another mirror, only my face was the mirror my mirror was facing. I had a mirror face. Who was I? I found out one day when my mom brought me into her room.
“Close the door and come over here,” she said from her bed. I went in, it was dark in there even though it was daytime. I knew this scene. This is when a person on their death bed reveals a family secret before clutching their heart and the swelling of a piano solo. And I was going to play the role of the girl who opens the windows to represent renewal. I approached her slowly and dramatically.
“Are you a nerd?” she asked me.
“What?”
“Do they call you a nerd at school, honey?” she asked again.
I thought about it. I was a nerd, and even my mom knew.
I said, “No, nobody talks to me at school. But I do get called that at home.”
She didn’t die at the end of the scene like fate had promised me, she just said, “Get me a diet pop.”
While everyone was out making friends, I stayed inside and studied the “cool kids” on TV for ideas. I just knew there had to be more to popularity than daily showers and Diet Coke. It didn’t occur to me that the kids on TV were also child actors, and none of them were cool either. Unlike the show “Clarissa Explains It All”, cool kids didn’t really hang hubcaps on their bedroom walls or have a lazy eyelid.
I needed to hang out with the popular kids and get a first-hand account to learn how to act like them, but I couldn’t trick them into thinking I was cool long enough for me to learn how to trick them into thinking I was cool. Being cool means not caring what other people thought of you, so I had get answers out of them and simultaneously convince everyone that I didn’t care what they thought of me. I walked over to the popular group.
“What do you want?” they asked.
“Nothing from you!” I screamed as I ran away. I got what I wanted. “What do you want.”.. great tip…. got it. Now I know how to get rid of dorks like a cool kid.
I went into the library so I would look like I had something to do besides care what people thought of me. Inside I found dozens of kids covered in carmex and muffin crumbs. I knew for certain that popular kids would not be caught in there with them, so I yelled, “What do you want?” Then I ran out of the library in case someone was chasing me. No one ever was. (And someone should have been, you are not supposed to yell in the library.)
To solve my problems I kept myself in constant motion, so that instead of looking like I was just some jerk who had no one cool to be around, I could look like I was on my way to something exciting, like an audition or the counselor’s office. It was a mystery only I knew the answer to. I wasn’t hanging out with dorks, I wasn’t alone, I was just always on my way to something fun and exciting that other people didn’t get to know about. It was like I was a spy, and what I was spying on were people developing normal lives.
I went to a therapist to help me figure things out.
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I said, “that’s why I came to you.”
“So you’re confused?”
“Okay… yeah. That sounds good.” I said.
“Well what about your life? You don’t have an authentic personality, how does that make you feel?” he pressed.
“Terrible? Sad? Is that good? I don’t know, what’s the healthy way?” I asked. “I need to get a handle on this, I have a performance everyday.”
I decided to go to an acting coach instead,
“How am I feeling?” I would ask.
“Sad,” he said.
“Perfect! I can do sad!”
I never became a very good actor or a real person, I was constantly questioning myself. Someone would describe their horrible life to me, and instead of listening to the details, I would think in my head: what kind of face should I make to look like I’m a good listener? Is this it?
I practiced lots of faces, and it turns out people don’t really care what face you are making as long as you aren’t talking. In fact, I found a person really only needs three sentences to appear to be a real human:
1:”My thoughts exactly!” is useful to indicate agreement in any circumstance. For example, if someone says to you, “I wish this line to the bathroom was not so long.” You could say, “My thoughts exactly!” and then politely turn away from that person.
2: “Oh, I hadn’t thought of that,” is useful for when you disagree but want to keep that information to yourself. For example, if someone says to you, “I don’t mind the line for the bathroom to be so long, it gives me a chance to make new friends,” Then you could say “Oh, I hadn’t thought of that,” and then politely turn away from the person.
3. “Whose dog is this?” is useful for everything else. For example, if someone says to you “The line to the bathroom would not be so long if everyone would stop washing their hands.” You could say, “Whose dog is this?” If there is a dog, the other person will be distracted and you can make a getaway. If there isn’t a dog, the person will become confused and attempt a getaway of their own, and you can politely turn away from no one.
Three sentences, that’s all it takes to get along in society and build a network or friends. In fact, someone told me recently while I was waiting in line for the bathroom at my therapist’s office that I had a really genuine personality.
“Finally,” I told them, “I’ve been working on making it seem genuine for years.”
