The Guide to 2009’s Valentine’s Day Movie Date.

Though my love/hate relationship with clichés takes a sharp turn towards the dark side when it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t deny it’s a good excuse for that old film-going chestnut – the movie date. If you’re looking for a reason not to talk to the person your forced into the company of, then what’s better than a dark room in which everyone faces the same direction, and strangers shush you if you mutter a word? All you have to do is hope you have the same taste…

I really like my date, cause gosh darn he/she’s cute, and all I need’s an excuse to snuggle up.

Then why not go for the dating staple – the horror movie? My Blood Valentine is so intent on creeping you out it even comes in 3D. It stars your usual range of nubile television stars trying and failing to get their break-out on the big screen. In keeping with horror trends it’s also a re-make, this time of an 80’s slasher flick of the same name. It’s a little bit ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’, with a touch of ‘Secret Window’, and a whole load of ‘you’ve seen this all before’. Still, if you’re not going with a subtle dating style it’s perfect.

I’m not subtle, but I want to appear subtle, intelligent and indie cool.

So does Anne Hathaway – maybe you should date her. Alternatively, you could go and check out her Oscar nominated performance in Rachel Getting Married. It’s a dramatic comedy (dramedy) about a wedding being disrupted by the return of the black sheep of the family. In a shocking twist Hathaway’s character is not called Rachel. For extra dating points, comment on director Jonathan Demme’s return to critical form and the largely improvised nature of his groups scenes. See if you can get away with calling his efforts ‘Altman-esque’.

I just want to have fun, and maybe appear attractive by an advantageous comparison.

There are few things funnier, yet strangely unattractive than Ricky Gervais. Ghost Town is his first proper Hollywood foray. It’s had mixed reviews, but it does allow him to play a character with the fabulous name of Bertram Pincus. It is very similar to Patrick Swayze’s ghost in nature, except less with the tragic and more with the funny. Gervais is a misanthropic dentist version of Whoopi, Greg Kinnear is Swayze and Tea Leoni is Demi Moore. But, like I said, funny. An easy date set-up if you genuinely want to see if you have anything in common.

I genuinely want to make it clear that we have nothing in common.

Six perfect words – He’s Just Not That Into You – perhaps the strongest hint one can give in a date. It’s an all-star comedy on the politics of courting, so if you’re lucky you might just enjoy yourself while making a very clear point to the company you have chosen to keep. Drew Barrymore, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson, Justin Long, Jennifer Connelly, Ginnifer Goodwin, Kevin Connolly, and Bradley Cooper feature. It is also surely the strongest sign that the right piece of dialogue (in this case, from Sex and the City) can change the world.

* Feature Image courtesy of kalandrakas on Flickr