The Small Matter of… Monogamy & Relationships

It seems that everywhere I look, people are cheating. On each other. Forget tribal prints and bold florals – cheating is definitely the new black. Once reserved for the gossip pages of my favourite trashy magazines and newspaper columns – Shane Warne’s antics printed in Confidential, or Jude Law’s constant mishaps outlined in WHO – cheating has now slipped off the pages and stepped into my life. Whether it’s the guy from work, the lady next door, or one of my dearest friends, cheating has become a topic at the forefront of my mind. And without sounding too much like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, I honestly can’t help but wonder: is monogamy really dead? Or, will it soon cease to exist?

I have a mixture of fabulous friends – some cheaters, some not cheaters. They are all wonderful, lovely, good people. I don’t discriminate between them and I certainly don’t judge them. They are all my friends. How they choose to conduct their relationship is, quite honestly, their own business. Some of them have flexible arrangements in place with their partners and others deceive their partners. Some recommend a fling, some hate themselves for getting involved in one. As for me, try as I might, I just can’t come around to the idea. I have no interest in flinging, or being flung. Does that make me terribly old fashioned? Am I silly for participating in a system that has existed for such a long time, but not necessarily always worked? Is placing value in monogamy, and true faithfulness, a foolish ideal to pursue? To work at?

Many people I know criticise monogamy. And with fair reason. They claim it is unrealistic and unnatural. Sure, animals don’t restrict themselves to one sexual partner…but we’re not animals. And I’m not just talking about sex – I’m talking about relationships. If cheating didn’t, in so many cases, break down a relationship – through betrayal, or lying, or sneaking, or jealously – then we could all sleep with whomever we liked without repercussion or guilt. But that, to me, is equally unrealistic and unnatural. We’ve grown up in a Western World that supports the ideal of monogamous relationships. That is not to say it’s the right way, it’s just that it is recognised as being so. It’s ingrained in our consciousness and in our cultural anthropology.

But should we really limit our lives to one person at a time, or one way? A friend of mine, a gay man (which, on a side note, are sometimes much more willing to accept newer and more unconventional ideas than straight folk) was dating a man for years. In that time, he had many varied one night stands. Some overseas, using the international rule of pardon and absolution, and some right on his partners’ doorstep. Some his partner knew about, some his partner didn’t. Either way, they dated for many years, until the relationship broke down – mainly due to issues completely unrelated from my friends’ affairs. Another friend broke up with his girlfriend a few years ago – a girl he loved deeply – because he wanted to sow his wild oats and rack up a little black book of experiences. Rather than cheat on her, he chose to end the relationship. Years later, his book is quite empty, apart from the odd entry, and he pines, every day, for a girl that has moved on. If he had of cheated a couple of times, on the sly or by being brutally honest, and stayed with his partner, he could still be incredibly happy. Does a few shags cancel out abiding love?

Inevitably, with my friends, discussing monogamy always turns to discussing ‘the one’. A soul mate. Some of my friends seem to think that the only people that believe in monogamy are those that believe in a soul mate. Those that believe in one and only true love. I disagree. I believe in, and value, monogamy, but I don’t necessarily think that there is only one person in this whole entire world we can love. As a young woman, engaged and set to marry next year, that may come as a shock, but there is really nothing shocking about it. You see, I think love, and finding a mate, have much more to do with timing and location, rather than fate. Even though every bone in my body is in love with the idea of fate, it’s just not that plausible. I could quite easily be in love with a Parisian artist. I could have grown up in Paris and met a wonderful baker that would make me pastries and fresh coffee every morning. I could have grown up in New York and met one of many wonderful men that inhabit its city. I could live in a loft in SoHo with an actor. Or a penthouse on Fifth Avenue with a businessman. I could have grown up in Perth and married a surfer. I could be happy, anywhere in the world, with a number of people. But I grew up in Melbourne and happened to meet, at just the right time in just the right place, fate or no fate, the most wonderful man. So wonderful that a Parisian baker, and an American actor, no longer stand a chance. And maybe, if a surfer was what I really wanted, I’d go out and find one. It just so happens that I don’t. And, even if one washed up my way, I’d probably send him back swimming. Or surfing.

I’ve never cheated on anyone. I’ve never even considered it. Maybe, because I hold fidelity in such high esteem, to even think of it would be a form of disrespect.  I’ve been in a relationship for seven years and I’ve never wanted for anyone else. The fact that I still get excited by my fiancé, that butterflies in my stomach still flutter when I see him walk through a doorway, that his name glowing on my mobile phone causes me to break out into a smile, is just as much luck as it is dedication. Why I’ve managed to find someone that makes me infinitely happy is beyond me. Why I’ve managed to find someone incredibly talented, immensely caring, with such a beautiful character and demeanour, is something I don’t have the answer for. Someone kind, brilliantly funny, not to mention terribly sexy, is, apparently, quite the task to come across these days. Why have I been so lucky?

The truth is relationships take work. They are complex. They are not the work of angels or cupid bows or of fairy dust and wishes. Being in a relationship is no different from taking a journey in a car – there are ups, downs, corners to conquer, mountains to climb, brakes to apply. The funny thing is, and don’t hate me for telling you, I’ve never really had to work all that hard at mine. I’ve never been involved in a discussion about where a relationship is heading. I’ve always just enjoyed the ride. The most important thing you can do in a relationship is talk. Communicate. Respect each other as individuals. Grow together, without suffocating each other. Laugh, often and very hard. Find things you love to do together, and find things you want to do completely alone. Be honest, be kind and be empathetic.

One thing that is blatantly clear to me is that relationships create many questions. They conjure up strong emotions. Quite possibly because so many people are involved in them, and so many people have opinions. When all is said and done, you have to find a relationship that works for you. It may not always be what you thought it would be, or with who you thought it would be with, and it certainly may not always look the same as someone else’s, but that’s why it’s yours. Whatever you’ve experienced, whatever you believe, there is someone, if not quite a few people, who believe in it too.

Real love does exist. I see it all the time. And I feel it every day.

*Photo Courtesy of Alan Chan on Flickr