The Small Matter of … Rising Above

The simplest things can frighten me; my eye catching a quick moving shadow, walking alone at night, a strangers unusual glance, a noise that emerges suddenly. Simple, every day moments can cause my heart rate to soar. I don’t want it to be that way. It just is.

We all know that the events and experiences you encounter in life are quite important in shaping you as a person – that’s why there are eighty year olds who can blow your mind away with advice, wisdom and wonderful tales. And it seems, whether you are applying for a job or giving a friend some guidance, experience is one thing people always want. It doesn’t matter how much we read, how much we learn, or how easily we empathise with someone, the real truth is that if you haven’t experienced something, you don’t honestly know what it’s like.

I was recently a witness to an assault – an assault that was completely random, and completely uncalled for. My fiancé was attacked in his own home. At the time I was showering after a completely blissful day at the beach. When I heard footsteps running down the hallway, followed by thumping and crashing into walls, I instantly knew something was terribly wrong. To run out of the shower and see a burly man on top of your fiancé, with arms swinging and voice grunting, is not the most wonderful way to end a relaxing day. I screamed, sobbed and yelled an awful lot. I didn’t think about anything but making the situation end. I was confused, angry and absolutely petrified. Thankfully, my fiancé was not particularly hurt by the incident and he somehow managed to take charge and subdue the attacker. The situation ended in the best possible way – with the attacker leaving scared, and fast. My fiancé, the calm, quiet, nice guy, who would never hurt a fly, had managed to control – and beat – a nasty, twisted thief. Whenever a terrible situation like that occurs, you rarely think about anything at the time but escaping the situation. Once it’s over, your mind fills with all sorts of thoughts – what else could I have done? Why did this happen? Will it happen again? Is my fiancé ok? Is it wrong that I am slightly proud of him? Various emotions run through your body – nervousness, paranoia, anxiety, rage – you are stressed beyond belief. The hallway that you once walked through and used for its sole purpose – as a passage to get to other rooms – now becomes the scene of something scary and malicious. You can’t help but compare it to a scene from Underbelly. What’s especially hard is when you are a non-violent person. When you’ve never been in any trouble and don’t ever start it. To have a situation like that thrust upon you, to have to enter police stations and recount an event, is beyond surreal. All I could muster after the incident was “This is not my life. I’m not one of those people.” Turns out, I now am. And maybe already was.

Three years ago, I was mugged at Melbourne Central train station, crawling up an escalator at 9am on a Wednesday morning, completely minding my own business. In the end, the mugger got away with nothing more than sore testicles, but he worked hard at injuring me just to get a taste of the goods in my handbag. When I was six years old my physical and emotional wellbeing were seriously challenged, and my innocence was taken away, much too soon, and with some great costs.

My experiences, perhaps particularly the bad ones, have shaped who I am. It’s because of these events that an unexpected noise can make me shudder. That a peculiar glance from a random man can make my skin crawl. No matter how strong and spirited you are the one thing with experiences is that they rarely go away. You can forgive, but you don’t forget. Moving on always takes time. You have to let nature run its course; you have to go through the motions.

I’m probably one of the happiest people you don’t know. I was born a serial optimist – always positive, always content, always bright. Has my character and personality served me well, in getting through ‘tough times’? Definitely. Terrible things happen to people all the time, but, for whatever reason, I’ve never allowed those terrible experiences take over me. I’m one of the luckiest people in the world; I’ve never wanted for anything, and I’ve always had the most supportive and amazing family network. Maybe certain things happen to certain people so that others don’t have to experience them? Maybe, because I can push through, because I will always be happy, I experience an incident so someone else doesn’t have to.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve never been a pushover. I’ve never been afraid of confrontation. And I’ve always stood in the path of my demons, ready and willing to fight. My experiences have given me the liberty to have a strong opinion on certain matters, to have a voice about certain issues and to share advice, where it can be gained.

• If there is one piece of advice that I can impart, one pearl of wisdom, it is to never lead a limited life. Don’t ever place limitations on your life. I could quite easily be the kind of person that is too afraid to walk the street alone at night, and I am, but I still do. Push through. If you are not strong enough, then make yourself so. Never let fear hold you back from participating in life.
• Some people wonder where strength comes from. Strength comes from within; where you don’t even really know how much of it you have until it’s time to use it.
• Anger can be constructive. Used wisely, it can spur you on to do better, and be better. The world has allowed terrible situations to develop because it has not been angry enough. Anger can also be incredibly destructive. Hold on to anger for too long, and you’ll soon develop a chunk, not a chip, on your shoulder.
• The world owes you nothing. Not one single thing. Acting like it does will make you no one’s friend.
• Sometimes in this wonderful life, you need to fight back. Stand your ground. Show your teeth.
• Everything happens for a reason. We don’t always know what it is, but it’s true. Feel sorry for yourself, but keep going. Wallow and pity is the exact place your enemies would like you to live in.
• Two wrongs don’t make a right? No, they don’t. But sometimes fighting back is the only way to secure peace.
• Don’t get mad, get even? I say get both.
• Nothing in life is secure. There are no guarantees. The only thing you can control is your thoughts. Don’t let them be self-destructive.
• Un-waivering self-belief will get you through anything. Never stop believing in yourself. Never.

When all is said and done, when your scars heal over, when your mind stops ticking, when your heart beats slower, nothing and everything has changed. Nothing, because you are here, you are fine and you are alive, but everything, because nothing feels the same, things look slightly different and you’re not sure if it will ever go back to normal. Things do. You’ll laugh, you’ll run, you’ll watch movies and flick through magazines. You’ll set goals, you’ll live your life. It’s just that every now and again, your experience and your memory will creep up on you. You’ll relive an event. You’ll be momentarily caught off guard. You’ll hear or smell something that triggers an emotion. That’s just the way it is. That is just the way it will be. But, for better or worse, you have to accept that this is now part of who you are. What’s happened has happened. And the best thing for you to do is live – freely, openly, without hesitation or limit. Just live.

 
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 Cover image of Victory by Sgatto on Flickr

Article image by Carmelo Aquilina on Flickr