The Small Matter Of … Weddings

Weddings and politics are not all that different. In each field, people-pleasing plays a huge role, as does a little arse licking. Negotiation skills are highly important, as are debating tactics. And, whether you like it or not, everyone will have something to say about you and your wedding. You’ll be quizzed on topics, given unsolicited suggestions and advice, and it will most definitely be polled up against previous weddings.

Like politics, weddings are a massive industry. An industry that delivers hope and romance, and pretty much anything you want or like, with a (not so) little price tag. Nothing in life is ever as simple as it seems, and so is the case with weddings. An endless list of choices and possibilities is offered to you. It’s not just about choosing a venue, or a ceremony, and picking some flowers along the way. Every little thing involves a massive decision making process. The strange part is it’s not until you start planning a wedding that you actually understand the true extent of one. A theme, or a colour scheme, isn’t the half of it. There are favours to provide, a series of options on how to present and display a serviette, place cards to design, and decisions to make on table centrepieces that capture the very essence of you and your partner. That is, of course, not including items like the entire bridal party’s attire, shoes, a band, photographer, rings…the list goes on. Amongst all of the material items are the bigger issues – cultural clashes, faiths mixing and families merging.

The issues don’t end there. Heard of party politics? Make that wedding party politics. There is no ‘how to choose your bridal party in three easy steps’ guide. Do you choose someone you have known forever? Do you choose a new friend who knows you better but you have known for fewer years? Do you choose a sister, or a soon to be sister? Or, do you throw in anyone and everyone and have a bigger bridal party than guest list? Each bridesmaid or groomsmen has responsibilities, and you have to make sure you tactfully deliver those responsibilities, whilst remaining carefree and upbeat. And keeping everyone happy. And listening to everyone’s thoughts. After all, these are the exact people you’ve elected to provide you with support and back up, people who will put their organisational skills into immaculate use.

That’s not the end of it. There’s the guest list: who’s hot, who’s not. Who makes the cut. Who gets the chop. It’s quite a vicious process – justifying one person’s friendship over anothers.  Predicting whom you may want to invite in a year, and whom you may want to un-invite. And then there’s the top table politics. Who sits closest to the bridal table? Better not put Aunt Betty near the band, we’ll save that table for the bunch of derelict cousins we’re inviting just to keep the policy makers content. Is there actually a perfect way to seat the electorate? It’s a fine balancing act, trying to perfectly match up friends with enemies, jokers with the more serious and children with like-minded children to avoid boredom or mayhem. Either one leads to the other.

Then there are the traditions, fables and superstitions. Will our marriage really be doomed if my fiancé sees me in my dress prior to our wedding day? What will be my old? My new? My borrowed? My blue? Someone recently told me not to name a date until it’s set in stone – if it changes you’re doomed. Great. Someone else told me to ensure my future husband does not drop the wedding ring during the ceremony – if he does, we are doomed. Super. The list of must-dos is equally taxing – make sure the groom carries a horseshoe or mascot in his pocket. Must ensure I step onto the aisle with my right foot, awake to the song of a bird and carry a coin in my shoe – all for good luck of course. The best I’ve heard thus far is that a bride finding a spider in her dress brings superior luck. Oh ripper. How I love spiders. I won’t tear my dress of my body and scream bloody murder at all.

And now, because clearly a bride and groom have nothing better to think about, a green wedding is not only becoming du jour, but is also a way of weeding out and publicly exposing the socially and ethically (un) conscious amongst us. Yes, of course my wedding invitations will look better on recycled, tree-free paper. Of course tomato seeds are a better alternative than chocolates as party favours for guests. Yes, I would much prefer to light soy candles than use electricity to light my reception. The thing I’m beginning to notice is that we’re really expected to think of, and cover, everything. Forget Kevin ’07, I’m Sandi going bandy.

The actual truth is weddings are usually for other people and it’s marriage that is for the bride and groom involved. Focusing on a marriage is far more important than focusing on a wedding, it’s just that weddings are so much fun (yes, they actually can be) and somehow, we seem to get lost in lace and icing, rather than concentrating on relationship longevity and happiness.

The other truth is that marriage, in this era, means so many different things to so many different people. It’s no longer a natural progression for many people and a family – one that is created by marrying, and uniting – does not have one singular look. A shift in past trends, and expectations, and norms of society now mean we have a wonderful and diverse array of families – childless ones, de facto ones, re-married ones, gay ones. No one version is better than the other, but we’re all entitled to choose one we’d like to belong in. For me, marriage means something. It stands for a lot. It symbolises a great deal. When I heard that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie wouldn’t marry until gay couples across the world had the same right, I was equally inspired and stupefied. Inspired, because what a meaningful and important issue to take such a stand on. And stupefied, because how utterly silly a response – we may as well not eat, because some people in the world can’t. We may as well drink polluted water, because some people don’t have the option to drink it clean. I’m getting married because I found someone who believes in the same things that I believe in, who operates in a similar manner and who makes me cackle with laughter. The fact that great love and unyielding friendship ties us together is wonderful, but big things don’t keep people together, small, every day things do.

For me, getting married is the natural progression, but I don’t think it has to be that way for everyone. I look forward to calling my fiancé my husband. I look forward to a sacred union, and a team that will only ever include two of us. There is something incredibly simple, yet important, about vows – about promising to stick together through the good and the bad and through sickness and health, rich or poor. 

I want my wedding to be a celebration – of love. As clichéd and unoriginal as that may sound, that is what it will be. I want to ignite the room with love. I want to unite our families, and friends, and grow deeper, in our own love and devotion. I especially want to enjoy the next year, and the journey it will bring, and the planning it will entail – every little neurotic detail and nuance of it. It is possible to plan a wedding in harmony. It is possible to make your dream wedding a reality, without blowing a small country’s GDP, or a blood vessel. The trick is to let go of some not-so-important issues, accept other people are excited and want to help, and buck up – it’s a big, nasty industry, just like politics, so play the game. Most of all, planning a wedding is simply that – a plan. It may not be perfect. And if it all doesn’t run smoothly, it’s not the end of the world, but just the beginning of a really good story.

At the end of the day it can rain, my dress can get a stain, and the cake can fall off the damn table but I’ll still be the happiest woman in the room.

Photo of bride by Olahus on Flickr

Photo of cupcakes by Ben Harris Roxas