The other night I was awoken at 3am by the sounds of a helicopter circling somewhere near my house. Now in Los Angeles it’s not that uncommon an occurrence. In fact you very quickly get used to the sound of helicopters, be they media or police. After a while you can even distinguish between the two – news choppers hover in the one spot attempting to keep still in order to get the optimum camera shot, whereas police choppers do low flying circles. At first the constant hum of a helicopter was annoying as there seemed to be one flying past on a regular basis. It was like living next to a train line. My parents’ house is about a kilometre from the train tracks – though you can see it from their house. After a while I never even stirred when a coal train thundered past at 4am. Anyone else who stayed at their house would wander out bleary eyed the next morning having not slept for fear that the same coal train was about to make a beeline for their bedroom, it was so loud.
It’s interesting what we get used to. For me now sirens are just a way of life. In fact it’s even soothing. However the 3am helicopter did have me a bit intrigued. It was obviously close considering the noise it was making and had been hovering for about 20 minutes. So I did what any normal person would do – I went outside to investigate. What I noticed was a huge spotlight from above frantically shining on houses directly across the road. My initial reaction was one of awe … of how bright the light was and how I could get me one of those. It was quickly followed by the reality that if they can’t find the person they are looking for a mere 50 feet from my house then it was probably not wise for me to be standing in the drive way at 3am. It was when the light was shone on my driveway, illuminating me like a Christmas ornament, that I felt it may be in the wrong place at the wrong time. What was interesting was the thought that went through my head was not “I hope the criminal is nearby” – it was “oh my god what am I wearing?” I hoped that by some bizarre luck the fugitive didn’t happen to match my description – mind you how unlucky would I have to be for someone to commit a crime in my street who also happened to be wearing boxer shorts and a Waratahs jersey, with a severe case of 3am bedhead. However in the glare of that ridiculous spotlight I suddenly felt extremely guilty and almost ran, but figured that might not be the best move. Of course one’s thought is to act natural – but really, let’s face it, there was nothing natural about a guy standing in his own driveway at 3am, half dressed and scratching his arse. So I did the most natural thing I could think of. I waved. Now I can’t tell you if anyone in that helicopter waved back, in my heart I’d like to think so, but at the very least it made them move their search to another part of the street. I figure the life of a police officer searching for a fugitive would be pretty devoid of laughs, and come on, everyone loves a friendly wave. Hopefully I made their night just a little more bearable.
Having said all that I guess petty criminals are not renowned for their fashion sense from some of the mug shots I have seen. Personally, I don’t even understand why criminals would even consider committing a crime without leaving the house with a decent hairstyle. Hey I’m all for being positive and believing that you won’t get caught, but still you have to be prepared for the possibility of a mug shot somewhere down the line. Which always surprises me when you see celebrity mug shots. Here are people who no doubt understand the importance of taking a good photo. Is it a prerequisite that you must be disheveled to steal something? There is a long history of famous celebrity mug shots that one can easily access. Nick Nolte has long been thought of as the godfather of mug-shots and set the bar pretty high with a photo that many have been trying to emulate or surpass with their own shabbiness. Obviously the drunken ones are a little more understandable when it comes to the level of fugliness. But then last week came the arrest of Randy Quaid and his wife for allegedly leaving a hotel without paying the $10,000 bill. Obviously he didn’t rack up that bill by spending time in the hotel spa and salon. Randy…seriously…what’s doing with the beard? And is he smiling? And wait, is he standing there casually flinging his jacket over his shoulder? It’s almost like there was a police officer standing behind the camera yelling “That’s it Randy, work it baby, yeah you got it, more GQ man-about-town look, work that camera”.
So my advice to you is that if you ever hear a helicopter flying over your house in the wee small hours of the morning, make sure you put safety first and do the wise thing.
Brush your hair.
Image of Randy Quaid courtesy of Presidio County Sheriffs Dept / Presidio County Sheriffs Dept
Mug shot collage image from here
